Thoughts of a FON
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2010-10-01 16:15:07 (UTC)

The Beginning of the End to a New Beginning

Through the years I have not been real faithful with journal writing.
Every now and again I hit a point in my life where I feel a need to
write and babel on like a little stream on it's way to meet an unknown
collective much bigger than it could comprehend. Today is one of those
days. I cannot begin to express my overload of emotions without tears
welling in my eyes. Tears that perhaps are there because of loss or
perhaps stress, or even the overwhelming sense of failure. After 18
years of marriage I feel the overpowering need to declare myself
single once again. Why? I am not completely sure why other than my
body is giving out to the amount of struggle and stress it has been
under for such a long time. It didn't happen overnight, but crept up
slowly and gradually over years of neglect. Neglect to the care and
time it takes to nourish the roots and even the leaves of a marriage.
I cannot place blame on a single party I suppose. It is a cycle that
seemed to start and bounce from one paddle to next gaining momentum as
it went ever so downward. I find myself longing for something that I
now know was a complete dillusion, now only to be hit smack in the
face with reality. Even now I can't help yearn for some hope of
holding things together. Hope that possibly I might granted that
miracle some how. I even now still find myself saying "IF ONLY". If
only he might understand the pain within my heart. If only he could
see the small things that would make a difference for me....for US.
Gestures that would mean the world to how I might change my resentment
towards him. Small things like, a single pink rose and a simple
personal note. A box of chocolates perhaps with a small note of
appreciation for what a woman does everyday for a man. I often find
myself longing to just hear him publicly announce in a testimony or
talk ANY amount of love or appreciation he has for me or the talents
and gifts I have shared with him through these years. Waiting and
hoping but only to hear words of my inability to spell correctly or
use correct grammer in front of friends and neighbors. So, I do
apologize if for the grammer mistakes and spelling in these writings,
but I think I will leave the mistakes because I feel they are apart of
who I am. I will admit that it can be said in his behalf that he does
make constant verbal "I LOVE YOU'S", to the point of now they are
tiresome and meaningless for me. Clearly lacking in feeling and
creativity at this point. Nothing more than a chore or a habit that
he must check off his list each day along with his watching West Wing
or filling his car with gas. Only to leave me feeling empty and alone
with the daily chores I must accomplish. So I go about my day,
thinking and dreaming of something more. Hoping he might right now be
planning something wonderful. Some relief to my stress! Perhaps he
is planning a trip or a get away? He is going out of town for
business, wouldn't it be wonderful if he arranged for me to go along
with him! Away from the children and away from demanding clients, if
only for a few days! What a difference that might make for the both
of us. But of course these thoughts only lead to a deeper sadness.
Because when the reality hits I know that these thoughts never enter
his head. He is not capable or such gesters or surprises. In fact he
told me recently that my expectations are too high. That I should
stifle such expectations. Settle for things that are merely "good
enough". Not "over achieve" so to speak. That these expectations and
goals are what causes me to stress, but he couldn't be more wrong.
How can he not know that? How can he know so little about me after 18
years? And what he does not know, is I have already given up and
lowered many hopes and expectations. How does he not understand by now
that it's those things I create and accomplish in only the way I can
that bring me satisfaction and joy in life? So yes, I feel the end is
near. It feels like a death of close friend. I feel a sense of
betrayle and that everything I thought existed was mere dreams that
never really happened. How can I believe his claims of love when he
trys so little to accept the very person I am. And how he can he love
someone that really does not like the very core of who he is? That
person that he tried so hard to keep hidden. He claims love and yet it
lacks emotion or passion in his expressions. It feels cold and angry
as it runs through my body like an Artic wind. His claims of love
seem desperate and from a place of fear more than a sweet endearing
place within his heart. I will sometimes sit quietly trying to sense
the emotion in his soul. I sit without him knowing I am searching for
that spot inside him that will reveal the emotions he does not seem to
be able to express, only to feel confusion, fear and complete
loneliness. We are together and still both so alone. Trying to
accomplish the same goal but in opposite directions, only to end up on
a path to nowhere. So now I search for a new road. A road that may
not have the end I had longed for and imagined and dreamed of. The
road I could see so many times in the santuary of my thoughts. Where
happiness existed within my family. With grandchildren and a home of
comfort not luxury but clean and orderly. A home of love and respect
and trust exist. A home where struggles and trials exist but can be
overcome with everyone equally working together and using their
individual talents to contribute and conquer. And yes, I understand
life cannot be perfect and people will not be perfect. But the should
I give up all my dreams? Do dreams come about by pure luck or chance?
I suppose I must for the dreams I have require more than me to
accomplish them. I am not the young and beautiful optimistic girl I
once was. I was given a second chance once and have now lost it. All
I can hope for now is a road that may at least be void of extreme loss
and sadness. I pray for God's love to be upon me and my children at
this time. That he may guide and direct me to the path of peace and
that he might comfort my soul. I pray he might help me to release the
self inflicted burdens that I carry, and most all for the faith that
it these things are possible.

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