ChubbyGirl

My Journey
2010-09-27 13:53:04 (UTC)

From Self Loathing to Setting Goals

Wow, what a day, and its not even 10am! Was tagged in a
photo by a close friend of mine from a weekend party where
we all got dressed up and took a limo to dinner. After days
and days of searching for a fantastic outfit, I finally
found something that I thought pulled together nicely...
I enjoyed the limo ride, as it was my first ever, I joked
and goofed off to mask feeling uncomfortable in my own skin,
but found myself feeling very out of place among so many
gorgeous girls. I compared myself to others in the room "ok
I am not the fattest girl here" ... HOW HORRIBLE!! I was not
the fattest, but I was next in line for that extremely
horrible title. I drank a few cocktails, even though I knew
they were very fattening, and they did not help me - I was
still HUGE! I scarfed down my food, that did not help
either. It did not make me feel better, it did not
magically remove pounds from my over whelmed frame, no it
only gave me something to do rather than think of how
miserable I was. I felt horrible, not just because I am
fat, but because I was so selfish to become this way and so
selfish to dwell on it rather than focusing on celebrating
with my friend.
So all that being said, lets snap back to present day...this
morning my friend, doing what anyone would do, posted her
pictures from the night out on Facebook. I was tagged in a
few photos and thank goodness for cell phones, I was alerted
to this "tagging" and was able to quickly log on and remove
the tags so no one could see this morbidly obese person I
have become. I am so embarrassed and humiliated - no fault
of my friend - only me and my "hand to mouth" disease that I
have.
For a brief, very brief, second I thought what would happen
if I completely stopped eating, what would happen if rather
than continue on Weight Watchers I just drink water for the
next 10 days. I "Googled" it. I did! I would lose the same
amount as if I were to do what I know I SHOULD do on Weight
Watchers.
So far, the past month, I have lost 12 pounds doing Weight
Watchers. This is just a drop in the bucket in comparison
to the 100 pounds that I need to lose...but atleast its
SOMETHING.
I would love nothing more than to crawl inside myself and
cry right now. It would do me no good though as that is
nothing more than self pitty and will lead to self
loathing...and then right back into eating. I need a plan -
I need to focus on a goal - I need to get out of this "self
sabotage" and do something about how shitty I look and feel.
Nothing is going to change unless I make the change.
So here it goes. If I help no one other than myself on this
journey, than so be it.
My goal for October 27th of this year is to turn that 12
pounds lost into 26 pounds. That is another 14 pounds to
lose in 30 days. I WILL DO IT.




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