Hope, Lies, and Magick
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I'm just in a kind of mood. A mood of adultness,
responsiblity, the mood where you just have to man up and
clean and do shit. The grown-up mood.
I just want to do everything now and have that sense of
accomplishment. I want to clean my room, cook a meal,
apply my make up, get dressed, to my hair, do my laundry,
get my APEC project done, get my homework done, do my job
interview, go to driving school, fill out paperwork,
volunteer at the library, be repsonsible, responsible. I
have to be! I'm fifteen and I'm a softie. Really.
As I review my recent life, I can't say it's all been a
failure. I'm growing. My breasts are developing and I went
bra shopping by myself yesterday, and paid with my own
money. I remember to take my birth control religiously
every night. I do some APEC stuff in 6.5. But I want to be
the best, the girl who gets some type of award at the end
of the year.
Whenever someone fully desribes me, I want them to
say: "See that blonde girl right there? The one with the
tan skin, black eyeshadow, mascara and perfect
straightened hair? She volunteers at the library; I saw
her there yesterday. She drives a green Taurus around and
is a dog grooming assisstant at Petco. She gets A's and
B's and is the President of Operation Beautiful. I've been
to her house; she takes birth control every night, and her
room is really clean, and her bed's always made. Do you
see her? The one with the colorful bracelets and nail
I don't know who the fuck would want to even listen or
even READ that, but I just HAVE to be an adult. I need to.
I HAVE to get serious now, college is coming and sophomore
year counts. I'm making up swim PE on Wednesday and I made
up my Algebra and math tests today. I still need to get my
Algebra and Humanities homework, and make up a reading
quiz for APEC.
Anyway, in other news, I'm getting religious again. I
was sick today, so I busted out my Ouija, candles, books,
insence, and potions. I knew Andrew was coming, but I
didn't clean up anyway. I guess I just wanted to impress
him or something.
Anyway, he was so weirded out when he walked in. I was
pretending to be asleep; my Ouija was spread out near my
dragon and skull. I had three books out in front of me and
a small pile near another candle (Nocturnal Witchcraft was
the top one). He seemed kind of weirded out but I didn't
When I "woke up", I pretended to be concerned about my
candles dying and my insence so it wouldn't seem like I
was ashamed for letting him see magick. I wanted to potray
it as the most normal thing in the world, and I hope
that's how it seemed!
Lots of Love,