- s o u l

music's innovations .
2010-09-21 04:02:53 (UTC)

so light is her footfall ?

"she moves like a ghost, and i lost her in the mist of the
dawn. she's already gone, and i miss her. she's all alone."


well, here's this shitty mood i have.. it's alllllll coming
home, yes? sigh, i need something to keep me alive, you
know? like i could do something when i'm feeling down. i
started to pick up drawing again. today i drew on the bus on
the way home. and it kinda felt good. except for me sitting
next to a middle schooler. but hey, i'm too nice to tell the
little suckers no because my bus is already over populated
as it is.

and how's my drawing going? pretty well, i can say. i drew
some abstract thing with one small eye and one big eye. i
don't really know what it is.. and i had people to "stop and
stare" at my art. the first time was when i was in orchestra
and we had free time. my orchestra teacher thought my
abstractness were letters of a subliminal message of some
sort. and then that popped an inspiration bubble in my head!
maybe i could do letters one of these days.. anyway, the
second time was when i was in my honors chemistry class and
like.. *counts* four people were telling me it's awesome and
i'm going to be a great art person one day. that really made
my day brighten up a little. then one of those people told
me it's going to be hard to find a painting job and it's not
going to get me anywhere.. and that's when my passion
decided to fall. again. and the last time was when i was on
the bus. some random guy was looking at me drawing. he
didn't say anything; he just stared. i guess that could be
some sort of enlightenment, right? sigh..

anyway, the reason for my shitty attitude in the beginning
was because i didn't feel right. like.. i can't say i was
sick, because i didn't feel like throwing up or anything. i
just didn't really feel like doing anything. as soon as i
walked into school, i said to myself, "i want to go home."
really.. and oh yeah! i got dizzy from taking a hot shower.
i was in there for like twenty minutes and then i started
seeing black and i felt super dizzy. i got out, put a towel
on, and just laid in my bed, wasting ten minutes for me to
get ready for school. but it's cool, i guess.. i actually
got to school on time. yay.. ugh.

and so.. i just realized something, diary.. boys suck. eggs.
really! can they not make me confused for like two days?
that's all i ask! and if i actually have a reader that's a
dude, please, excuse me. excuse my typical thought on guys
who are.. all just the same. if you're not, woo-fucking-hoo
for you.

the problem i have with guys right now are relationships. my
ex (the one that wants to go back out with me) [we'll call
him ex A] has kinda been toning it down for some weeks now.
he's kinda just waiting for me to make a decision. like he
can wait all of his life.. and my other ex [ex B].. he seems
to be having a fab-tabulous day without me. an example of
this would be me seeing him hugging other girls in the
hallway, walking with other girls in the hallway, talking
with other girls in the hallway.. and NO, i'm not stalking
him. i just see it as i'm trying to get to class. and every
time i see him walking with a girl, it makes me wanna cry..

yeah, i'm that sad excuse for a fifteen year old girl. ha
ha, yeah.. hilarious..

but then he sees me in the hallway and he looks sad. like he
wants to suddenly hug me, but he can't.. i guess that would
be to weird for the both of us.. but it's like.. he stares
into my eyes like he's talking with his eyes. and i can't
stare back at him for too long because i use to love his
eyes. now there just there.. staring deep into my soul..
looking for answer.. some indefinite answer..

maybe that's why he won't talk to me. i believe i said he
calls me "bud" from time to time.. i just say "hey" and keep
it movin'.

then i have these weird conversations in my head.. like if
we did actually talk. here's my imagination:

him: hey, bud.
me: hi..
him: you look sad. are you okay?
me: um.. yeah..
him: really?
me: no, i lied.. i'm not okay.. at all..
him: ....is it me?
me: .....i gotta get to class.

see how this will never happen? first off, why the hell
would he ask me if i was okay? and why would i just blurt
out that i wasn't okay? i would've kept that little lie a
secret, and bottle it up like i always do..

sigh, i just want to choose something that would make me
happy. and i don't want to rush anything. and besides, maybe
i'll pick nobody.. i forgot that i'm moving three states
over at the end pf year.. but the real question is: how long
do i think a relationship would last? i mean, it's only the
beginning of the school year.. and the light is getting in
my eyes of this "glorious" beginning. what i need is
darkness. complete darkness. light is just my weakness; a
footfall.

[So Light Is Her Footfall - AIR ]




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