Singleagain

Diary of a Break Up
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2010-09-18 21:41:40 (UTC)

No closure

I saw him for the first time in months. I was so excited
about seeing him. We went out to dinner and it was really
nice, it almost reminded me of all times.

I stared at him as we were at the table, I couldn't stop
looking at him, every little detail, his hands, his lips,
his hair and his eyes. I had no idea I missed him that
much. Seeing him again reminded me of it. I went there
thinking that I had moved on and that seeing him was all I
needed to finally have closure. I WAS WRONG. As I looked
at him and intensely listened to every word he said I
found myself more drawn to him and more in love than
ever.

I have not stopped loving him, not even a bit. It was
like a flashback. If I closed my eyes I could picture us
back at the basement apartment where it all started. I
could picture us watching movies together, making love on
the futon, going home at lunch time just see him for a few
minutes, taking showers together every day. I swear if I
close my eyes I can smell his cologne and feel the
tenderness of his kiss. This flashback took me way back.
I never think about the basement days because I hated
living there, I was so foolish not to cherish the memories
of us in there and not the apartment itself.

I have done allot of thinking in the last few months and I
have played every argument we had in my mind over and over
again to try to understand what went wrong. I blamed him
for everything, there were times when I felt I hated him
just like he blamed me for everything as as he said he was
not happy with me. So I asked myself and I asked him if
we are happier now without each other, with other
people. My answer is YES his answer was YES. We are both
in really good place right now. People have noticed and
say that I am doing better than ever and his life is going
according to his plans. According to him things didn't
work out because we were never on the same page and even
though I hate to admit it. He is right. I was going down
and he was going up and we just kept getting further and
further away from each other.

If I could go back in time and change my flaws then and
not now. If I only knew then what I know now, I would
have never let him go. I'll be honest I thought that I
was settling, I thought that there was someone out there
better for me and I found out that no matter how perfect a
man is, I know now that there is nobody more perfect for
me than he is and even tough I have changed everything
about myself that I felt were the reasons we broke up, I
know now that it is too late.

I know that there will come a time when I will move on,
but that time is not now. Not yet


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