Hope, Lies, and Magick
My birthday party's today- and by that I mean Mikaela
insisted on throwing me one. I've never really liked
throwing parties that didn't target my family, simply
because I've always had an underlying fear that no one
would show up, and that the few who did would call me
pathetic and I wouldn't be able to face them again.
I'm a high school prep bitch. Everyone has to love me,
and I can never have the image of not being totally and
unconditionally loved. I'm one of those girls like you see
in the movies and just want to slap, I think. I love
jealousy, I love making drama, I love it all, simply
because it makes me sound like I'm worth enough to have
drama and fuss made about me.
When I was in the sixth grade I procrastinated on my
party and invited twelve people at the last minute. Only
three invites showed, including my crush Evan. It was
humiliating at the time. They didn't seem to notice, but I
pretended to have a great party anyway.
Ever since then I think I have a subconcious dread that
I'll throw a big party and no one would want to come.
Which is today; Mikaela threw me a semi-big party, and no
one really RSVP'd. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! Ugh! And it's
even being held at the same place; the club house.
This time I kind of saved my own ass though. Normally
I'm mainly scared my crush/boyfriend will think I have no
friends, but this time I told Andrew WAY ahead of time
that I hated parties, that I'm not inviting any of my guy
friends, and that I want to keep it small. "The smaller,
the better," I quote. "Keep the party down. It's not even
a party, it's a little get-together thing."
So now he is under the impression I only wanted about
four people there, which is how many are probably showing
up. I know Mikalea, Andrew, and David will be there, and
as for everyone else I'm not sure. I'm just wondering how
the hell I'm going to pretend to be happy to have a small
party when Mikaela will be so disappointed at planning a
Huh. It's times like these where I just have to chin up
a little, grin, and pretend like I don't care. Oh, but
Diary, my stomach's churning! Do you know how much
Damian's gonna laugh when he hears that my party was a
flop? I already feel horrible. And like a bitch. My
birthday's really been good, but I know it's only because
of the jealous glares and the I'm-More-Loved-Than-You
thing cast at Damian and his new girlfriend What's-Her-
I really want to kill his girlfriend. I want her to be
embarassed, to be shown up, to SOMETHING. I want to remark
on how she's dating my trash, shit like that. I want her
to see how monsterous he really is, I want her to know the
only two reasons he's dating her is because he wants me
jealous and he wants head. And he gets both from her. I
would show her more sympathy and even help her if she
hadn't of stooped the freshman low. Now I kind of like it.
She's being used and she has no clue! I kind of like
Damian a little more now; I would be REALLY jealous if he
actually cared about her, but since all she's getting is
used... this is kind of fun, knowing at any time I could
walk up and tell her. But I'll wait and see how it plays
out. I want to see if she ever realizes on her own.
Anyway, onto good and happy topics, I got $140 for my
birthday, which means I get to go shopping today at the
mall! Bath and Body Works, new cute sundresses, books,
shoes, little tea sets, Claire's, and just... pure
amazingness. I really can't wait. I'm saving forty dollars
here though, so I can spend it periodically on candy and
maybe have a trip to Victoria's Secret...
SHHH. Andrew and I might go there for a little
something, I don't know.
I'm excited. Normally I save the money for Christmas but
this time I got express orders to spend it on myself. They
caught on. They're even MAKING SURE the majority goes for
myself. Soooooo FUN. God I'm excited. I want a sundress,
some things from Claire's, Bath and Body Works stuff, Hot
Topic gloves, Candy Shoppe Lollipop, SOOOOO many things! I
kind of only want to bring $80 and then give the other $20
to a chairty under Operation Beautiful's name.
That's what I'll do. Because everytime I shop like that
I look down at my many bags and just think of a sun
parched kid in Africa or China without food. It makes me
feel like a selfish monster. I'd donate to that thing more
if I thought it would actually go to helping a child and
not into the greedy hands of whoever's running the
business. I want to make a deal where I'm WITH that child
and buying them the food personally, damn it.
Have I ranted enough? No! I'm just so excited for my
mall trip I don't even want to go to the party! Moo! I was
kind of thinking of asking Andrew to come with Jess and I
to the mall but now that I think about it, I just want it
to be Jess and I. I mean, I love Andrew, but I think Jess
dislikes him and gets uncomfortable when he's around.
Besides, shopping is pure sister time. I really hope we
can go today, but we can only go if the party ends semi-
early. It probably will- with three people stuck together
in a place they don't want to be at for four hours, it's
bound to wreck.
I've already asked Kelly, Dana, and Dakota if they're
coming, and they've all got other plans. Which is what
Mikaela and I get for inviting people two days beforehand.
I feel bad all over again, no one wants to come. I DON'T
FUCKING WANT THIS TO BE HAPPENING!
Mikaela's going to decorate it all nice, too, with
balloons and shit, after I lied a good story through and
said it was a little get together. I don't wanna, I don't
wanna, it's happening all over again, no one's gonna come,
everyone's gonna know no one cares!
Lots of Love,
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