Hope, Lies, and Magick
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The last three days I've been sick. I just felt kind of
weak and woozy, and normally I'd be bitched at to simply
tough it out, but I managed to make it look much worse
than it actually was.
Thursday I actually was sick. I threw up a ton of bile
after refusing to eat for several days (eating made me
feel sick). But afterward I felt sort of better, not up
for doing homework of course, but better enough to watch
Tremors and dance like an idiot around my room.
Friday- today- of course I managed to make it to school-
it's my birthday! I have to flaunt my birthday-ness!
I took the pathetic route, the selfish and bitchy and
just PATHETIC route. I bought most of my own shit and took
it to school. What did you buy, Starr, you must be asking?
I brought a small balloon, mini cake, basket of candy,
birthday crown, ring with box, and giant candy bar for my
birthday, along with that curly rainbow crap you put on
presents. I wrapped the candy bar up and stashed it in my
So I came to school engulfed in crap, looking gorgeous
(I spent extra time on hair and make up) and just feeling
radiant. I got mega hugs, passed around candy, and
everyone paid a lot of attention to me.
Andrew popped up and kissed me, and, with much grinning,
presented roses. I love him to death, I really truly do,
and this will sound so bitchy, but he kept telling me how
amazing the roses looked, and just how beautiful. I
imagined large radiant roses with fern entwining it. When
I recieved it it smelled like grass and had more fern than
roses. But obviously I kissed him and made a fuss over how
he spoiled me.
I kept hoping Damian and Josh would show up and see me
adorned and loved, while they're in their hated little
fail group. I'm that horrible. But I didn't glimpse them
all day. But I heard that they were there, they just moved
to a different place in the school. I hope to god they saw
me- I wasn't that hard to miss, with all that shit- and
just burned with jealousy and rage.
Anyway, the morning passed by smoothly. Urte gave me a
nice heart necklace, which I did not expect at all. I
pretended that the ring that Daddy bought me for my
birthday was from a guy named Darren. Darren, I think I've
mentioned before, is this fake guy I've come up with to
keep Andrew in check. He's perfect-sounding- buff, hot,
black hair, light eyes, in love with me. You know, cliche.
I have fake notes from him and crap, telling me he likes
me so Andrew will get super nice and hoard me. It's so he
won't realize no guy wants his girlfriend and he'll move
on to some other girl, leaving me in the dust. Even love's
a game to me now. I understand Lovegame, Lady Gaga.
So period two comes around, and I've been sick for days
and feel shit-tastic. I didn't do my terms in the least. I
ignored them. When I walked up and told Mrs. Lopez I
couldn't do the terms because I was throwing up too much
(a complete lie) she seemed kind of pissed, but hey, I
don't have to do the reading quiz yet.
Break- Andrew gave me a gold ring, which was the
sweetest gesture, but again, something's wrong. Great. The
ring's kind of pretty, and it's real- but the first thing
I noticed was that the jewel in the middle was a clashing
color with gold and that it was kind of ugly. Obviously, I
can push through that, but...
I'm allergic to gold.
I wore it the rest of the day, don't get me wrong. I
feel so ungrateful. "These flowers smell like grass and my
ring isn't perfect." Most girls would slaughter for a boy
to give them flowers and a ring. Trust me, with the
envious looks I got from SO MANY girls, A LOT would love
it. But I just can't lose him. That's why I pretended the
flower Walmart ring was from Darren- to make Andrew
jealous. It's all a carefully planned facade that makes me
seem like an innocent little girl when I'm really just a
vindictive teen. And even though I'm normally blistered in
this ideal that I'm different and smarter than my peers,
I'm really just equal to them.
Third and fourth period I got more envious stares at my
gifts and things. I took out the wrapped chocolate and
pretended that one of my friends gave it to me during
period three. Pathetic, again, but honestly, can you blame
me? I mean, NO ONE ever gets you a present unless you
throw a party. You'd have to fucking be made of
AMAZINGNESS to inspire so many high school students to
give you enough presents to get the amount I accumulated.
I literally strained my arm muscles carrying that shit.
Could I have put it in my backpack? Yes. But then how
would I get those delicious stares of envy that speared
across my peers' faces? I mena, I know how awful it
sounds, but these are faces I've come to dislike, the
Mexican girls that are always laughing at my clothes, I
wanted to sing while they fell silent, watching me
struggle under the weight of my gifts; the cute boy in Geo
gave me many glances, finally realizing I'm of importance;
many senior girls who always scoffed at the sophomores,
watching jealously as I bounced down the halls. It was the
most evilly delicious thing I'd ever encountered.
I'm not kidding. You have to be a special person to get
all the presents I made myself seem like I was recieveing.
And I didn't lie; I never once said, "Oh, my friend gave
me the cake" or "My friend gave me the balloon". No one
bothered to ask if I'd bought all that shit myself to make
myself look loved.
I had many reasons for doing this. 1) Jealousy! Girls
like making guys and people in general jealous. At least
high school girls. 2) Damian. I want him to know how loved
I am while he and his girlfriend go whine in the corner. 3)
Natalie. She just founced her roses and cupcakes at me in
Humanities. Well, now bitch, I have bigger roses and more
shit than you could even dream of. 4) Taylor. I still am
wary of her, and she kept shoving her birthday down my
throat in a way that said, "My birthday's more important
than yours because everybody loves me." When she saw that
mountain of gifts I think she died a little inside, which
honestly caused me to die a little inside.
I don't like jealousy from her for some reason. I liked
it when it flickered across the faces of people who never
gave me a second glance, but for Taylor, I just didn't
like it. It's got to be hard to be like her. I know
outside beauty doesn't count, but Diary, you have to
undertand- she has a bad haircut, short short hair, pock-
marked face, droopy eyes, out-spaced teeth, freckles, no
boobs, kind of fat, and just really tall- taller than most
grown males. I sound horrible but it's just how she
appears. On the inside she's a nice person, a little
bitchy, but nice. She really craves a boyfriend, and how
couldn't she, she's never really had a stable
relationship. And I guess watching Andrew hand me a ring
after she knows he knows I cheated on him has to be a form
of torture, especially watching a bitchy girl (me) who's
bombarded with presents and love.
Enough with rant, I guess. Lunch was fun. Andrew gave me
a jealous look when Alex picked me up and swung me around.
I got many more hugs and passed about more candy. I
lightened my load (FINALLY) by eating my mini-cake (AKA
feeding Andrew almost the entire mini-cake) and the
chocolate bar. Andrew gave me another ring that he was SO
proud of, but because
Thhhhhen, Spanish, it was easy. Since Senor Goff mostly
teaches freshmen he's pretty understanding when it comes
to late work and things like that. I just said I was
absent and got almost everything finished in class.
Math- test day. Because I'd missed so much, she sent me
into another room and let me just doodle for forty
minutes. It would have been relaxing if A) I wasn't
worried about Viktor, Dre, and Ben touching my birthday
shit, and B) The class next to me wasn't laughing every
When I got home, I had my little family party. It was
okay, I guess- Mommy made yummy chicken and sauce,
Preston, Dannika and Chris came, and Jenny made cupcakes.
It sucked a little that Chris and Dannika COULD NOT stop
talking about another party they were going to.
I ended up raking in $140!
Lots of Love,