The Real Me
2010-09-10 01:25:53 (UTC)

He finally called =)

So I went to sleep 2 nights ago upset...almost crying
=|...and my brain mentally sending signals to V to call ping
txt ANYTHING. And i woke up the next morning around 7ish
with 2 pings from him one saying "morning gorjus" and the
other telling me he woke up thinking about me a bit weird i
knw.Jeez thanks whats so weird waking up thinking about
me.Anyways yes I was over the moon, I didnt ping back
instead the night before me and my cousins and family
decided to go to amusement park, which was amazingly fun,
There was hardly and ques!

Anyways later that night V called and we spoke on the phone
for 2 hours and a half about pretty much everything, I
missed him but i realized hes grown up so much. Hes right
about him being mature and us being in different phases. I
kinda understood where he was coming from. I finally went
back to the topic of why he couldnt tell me straight that he
didnt like me instead of saying right now he cant and maybe
in 2 years time, I mean he is the type that tells it how it
is. But he told me the same thing he did before that it
wasnt the case he did like me and everything wasnt as black
and white as I made it out to be. I stated that if you like
someone enough you will be with them no matter what under
any circumstances. He said thats not always the case and
gave an example he told me right now im 20 hes 24 im still
at uni going into 2nd year while hes in law school now so we
at different phases he isnt at uni anymore with me.
Graduated and everything =(. He cant give me the time and
commitment I want right now, so its better he gives it to me
when hes finished because we have a lot better chance of
working then, than we do now. Which in a way I guess is true
but he cant tell me to wait for him because its unfair. Well
darling V what you are doing to me is giving me false hope
and making me unintentionally wait for you. And he knows it.
He admitted to mind games and a FAT EGO too, well kind of
played it and we went into some little competition which is
unexplainable here. So I asked him we ae friends right?..and
he couldnt anser and he goes dunno what this relationship
is. As its not a relationship and not a friendship....Great.
But then i wouldnt want it to be a relationship just yet and
hell no to a friendship.

So Ive kind of decided to back off, just calm down. This
obbsession has gone way to far and yes it has killed time
hugely but its making me go a little nutzi. However Im not
giving up whatever im trying to achieve (I dont even know
anymore) just yet. I guess I dont want to move on from
liking him. I dont want to let go and forget about him, I
just want to like him as weird as it sounds. Once I let go I
will never go back, its something thats part of me to do
that. So thats why letting go is such a big deal.

Anyhoooz 9 days till I move into my new apartment!! ha!

Ah forgot to mention my ex sent me a message yesterday
telling me he still loves me and wants to get back etc. It
was kind of horrible that I had to be staright up and let
him down but I did sugar coat it alot =)...I cant help it I
know some people think its absolutely out of order and to
just be totally staright and cold but I cant be cold. Im
always taken over by feelings of guilt. Which remineds
me...I told V and he was worse about it, he was so raw, he
said that Andy should just get over it and does he not get
the message etc. It shouldnt take him this long hes not
being realistic etc etc. Thing is he swore alot and said it
sooo harshly...made me think I feel sorry for the girl who
falls in love with him and hope its not me! Probably wont be
because im very cautious now. Hence I wana calm down and get
over it, Im playing with fire here, I dont want to hurt
myself in the end.