Isis

Finding My Way
2010-09-09 08:58:15 (UTC)

Late Night

I'm feeling sort of "off" at the moment. It's currently
2:45am and I have absolutely no desire to sleep. I know that
I should since I'm absolutely useless during the day when I
don't get enough sleep...but whatever. My boyfriend and I
decided we're spending Thanksgiving with my family, and I am
so excited. I can't wait to see my cats and my brother's
dogs...is that bad, haha? I mean, I am pretty pumped to see
my family, but I really miss my cats. Yes, I am the crazy
cat lady...lets just get that out of the way now.
I recently got a second job bartending/waitressing at a
sport's lounge, and it's going pretty good. However, the
other night, I left feeling kind of disheartened. In the
past, I was an Administrator at an electronics store, and
had a lot of responsibility. Now, I know that when you start
a new job, everyone sort of assumes you're a complete idiot
and explains everything as if they're telling it to a two
year old. I cannot stand this...but am able to put up with
it. BUT, the other night, the girl I was working with
continued to tell me the same fucking thing over and over,
and went on about how I would most likely be waitressing
more than bartending because of 'seniority'. Bartenders make
a lot more in tips because traffic is slow and most people
sit at the bar. I left with $10.00 in tips while she left
with $50.00. I think this is absolute bullshit...considering
my boss told me that the rotations were consistent in order
to be fair to all of the staff. Not to mention the fact that
this chick I was working with took her sweet ass time
tending to customers. I felt like an asshole telling
everyone at the bar that I couldn't get them a refill...even
though they had been waiting for ten minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I should be 'entitled'
to more responsibility because of my past work experience,
but I do feel like I'm being stomped on. Also, she's a hair
stylist, and I'm an Esthetician, and she snickered and told
me that I was getting "ripped off" at my other job when I
told her my pay structure. How can one dumbass that I don't
even know ruin my fucking week? I'm so emotional that it's
sickening.
On another note, I am committing to a 'soup diet' because
I can't stand the weight I'm at right now. For the majority
of my teenage years, I was 5'4" and 115lbs. Then last year,
I went through some kind of morbid 'growth spurt' at 20
years old and now I'm almost 5'6" and 130lbs. I know this is
still a 'normal' weight for me...especially because I do
have a muscular frame...but it drives me crazy. I don't even
want my boyfriend to see me in anything less than sweat
pants and a bunnyhug (hoodie for you americans). I know it's
unreasonable, but that's just the way the OCD mind thinks I
guess.
I want to start working out again (I used to
religiously), but everyday I find it harder and harder to
get going. I just continue to make one excuse after another
until it's 9pm and it's too late to do anything. I guess a
big part of it is anxiety. I'm scared to leave my apartment
most days...and HATE...HAAAATTTE getting ready. It's a
nightmare. I always end up frustrated with how I look and
just want to crawl in a hole and die...never to be seen by
humankind again. I can't even change infront of my cats
because of some unreasonable fear that they'll "judge me".
Yes, I'm worried about an animal that licks dingleberries
off it's own ass judging me.
Other than that, I've noticed my OCD has been flaring up
a bit lately. I think I'm sort of inviting it back into my
life, hoping that something positive will come from it. By
this, I mean that I hope I start working out again and then
find myself unable to stop. Weird how mental illnesses can
sometimes be a positive thing. Life is strange.

-Isis




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