MebeingMe

Looking at me.
2010-09-07 06:24:33 (UTC)

bad days turn into bad weeks

WOW, so last week offically sucked! Its reasonable to have
bad days at work but you should never cry at work and have
coworkers make you feel that bad about yourself. 4 straight
days of that is not good for anyone. I was dreading going
into work all week and came really close to just not
showing up on sunday.
Then saturday night happened... Work was so bad I decided
lets just get drunk and go to the bar and dance it off.
Well me and K were having a pretty decent night till J
decided to ruin it for her then apparently so did I. I told
M it was ok to come to the bar and see me thinking it would
be super easy for me to see him and everything but nope it
wasn't. From the second I looked at him the only thing I
saw was the guy I used to be falling in love with not the
jerk who broke my heart. All I wanted was to sit down and
talk to him which we did end up doing then he decided to
stay the night. I thought yeah ok thats fine I just won't
sleep in the same bed as him and everything will be fine
and we will be "friends". Right after he gets into bed and
so am I, then I get a text saying, "no cuddles?" Now I'm
not that naive, I knew "cuddling" was more than just
cuddling. So stupid me goes into my own bed with him and
cuddle with him then things just started to happen. When he
touches me its like he has this power over me! It felt so
comforting, so amazing, and almost like we had done it so
many times. I tried to resist him and just let the touching
and maybe kiss just a little and that be it, but it was so
overwhelming. He took over me just like the first time. I
had always said I would put him in his place and just
resist him and tell him what an ass hole he is and
everything that I was mad at him for but when he does stuff
like that its just so hard. I never meant to sleep with
him that night but like I said he has a power over me. I'm
slightly mad at myself for it. I felt slightly used and I
have no idea what that night even was for him or myself. I
tried to talk to him yesterday but he was drunk and I
didn't get much out of him and I was exhausted from being
up for over 23 hours saturday night, never again will I be
doing that.
FUCK! I don't know what the hell I was thinking! Now
everything with C had changed. I feel way to vulerable to
even think about doing anything. He wants to hang out this
week but of course I close every god damn day and I
wouldn't even tell him I had today or tomorrow off. I guess
I'm just meant to be alone right now...
Enough of this for today
Bye...




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