Vanilla

Today and thoughts.

MEN. The most typical contradiciting and hippocritacle
beings on earth and yes I have many spelling errors. =

Me and Noddy went job hunting today wasnt bad, gave out cvs
and crap and we ended up talking about life for like hours
in the rain near the riverside it was pretty kewl but that
meant I kind of pahd of Diana and didnt mean to, she was
meant to stay at mine but it got waaaay too late because I
was too busy chilling with noddy. Anyways got home, wanted
to go out with my cousin and friends but couldnt as I have
no money, im too broke, its sad. Gawsh cant wait till Uni
starts its gonna be an amazing year, cant wait to move into
our new apartment we got a penthouse! so exciting and I have
the big en suite room. That means I have 2 weeks to lose
weight. I ended up smoking 9 ciggs today but i only did it
because i craved a cigg and bought a 10 pack, I decided to
smoke all of them till I felt sick and hence associate the
feeling of sickness and crapness the next time I crave one.
Idiot me.

V hasnt called or txtd, godamn prat. Cant even be a good
friend to me anymore. Yes who am I kidding when the hell was
he ever a friend. So whatever f*** him.

When I see people holding hands and just looking so in love
I feel sick...infact I feel jealous, and ive never ever felt
that way before, i think im obsessd with the idea of love. I
just love pretending im in love but i need to stop this, ive
been in relationships constantly for 5 years since I was 15!
I need a break, I need to stop, but i think this compulsive
behaviour and need of a mans company comes from a lack of
father figure. When he was alive I felt alone and now that
hes gone I still do. Nothing changed except my life got a
whole lot easier in one sense...a whole lot happier..even
though i shouldnt be saying that. Im 20...you would think I
would grow up but no I still sound immature.

The night before me and Diana went out and ended up having a
fight with chinese girls =| they pushed us for no reasons
and WE got kicked out how stupid. I wasnt happy we stood
there for 2 hours to fight with these girls and I told V
that. Big mistake. When will I learn to stop being so open
with him and telling him immature things...wonder why he
runs a mile, I shouldnt be acting like this. I havnt actualy
thought about there being another girl in V's life probably
because I thought the world revolved around me. God I fogot
about that possibility, If I saw him with another girl...it
would make me sick to my stomach and make me go insane with
jealousy and possibly ruin all my self esteem and make me
very destructive. I would ruin him =) and destroy his
relationship.....and now I sound evil and sound like I have
issues.

Im learning to be more manipulative and attractive. There
are very simple rules to attract men. Ive been researching
on triggering their subconcious by various actions. For
example dilate his pupil, look into his eyes deeply, this
triggers a subconcious feeling of when he used to be in love
, so you trick his mind into thinking hes in love. Also body
language speaks loud, certain actions, trigger certain
emotion.

Manipulation also work for other woman, for example friends
and ofcourse followers =) reminds me I need a checklist of
girls that qualify to hang with us and those that dont this
year. HA just wanted to sound like a bitch there. But no
really there is a mental one, im very picky of the people I
do want to hang around with and those that are just THERE
and aqaintances. Why do I do this?...because im insecure, I
dont trust people that easy, first year of uni we were such
pushovers, 2nd year we changed and look where it got me, I
got everything I wanted and who didnt want to be us. Ive
realized alot since I first came to uni as that naive
inoccent girl...she died a long time ago...and shes only
getting stronger with every experience. Its a harsh world.

Im glad in a way that Ive been f**** over so many times. Im
glad V is hurting me like this, because its pushing me into
becoming more of this person that I never was, its making me
harsh and stronger. Its making me in a twisted way more
confident more powerful and alot more influential. I keep
thinking of ways to get him to fall for me again. And im
gonna make it happen this time. Im not gonna just let it go.