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2010-09-05 22:02:42 (UTC)

hmmm the basics i guess

well ill start my "diarys" with the most surprising i
guess you would say. my parents fight a lot it use to suck
but what else could i do. at first i thought it was
normal, i thought everything i did or experienced was
normal, but theres no definition for normal, i learned it
the hard way. i have a big sistr and two little ones. my
big sister was always a bitch to me. she'd call me a
midget, and we fought a lot, too much actually, but i
loved her. i loved everyone. when i started middle school,
i realized how much my life sucked. at first i hung out
with the "ghettos" if u label ppl. i was a bitch, a major
flirt(slut) but dnt freak or take it too far. i stayed a
virgin. 7th grade, that was the first time i went into
depression. no one knw, who would, i ddnt trust people. my
parents ddnt knw i was in depression, or bother to pay
attention to me anyways. iv always been the middle child,
how is that when we'r 4 girls? well they payed attention
to my big sister, cuz she was the oldest, my baby sister
cuz she was the baby duh, and my other little sister, well
cuz she has ADHD, asthma, and god knows what else, they
always HAVE to pay attention to her. then theres me, just
me. so when i went into depression no one new or cared
anyways. not even my friends, well becuz i ddnt show it.
at school i was happy, well acted like it anyways. then i
got home and cleaned, and cleaned, and did homework, and
cried myself to sleep. 8th grade when my sister left the
house, well ran away is more like it. but calm down it was
a week before her 18th birthday, but the point is it was
bad, mostly for me. it was hard, hardest thing iv ever
expierenced. depression is bad, especially when no one
knows ur in it. yes i had suicidal thoughts, what kind of
person in depression doesnt? but it was bad, especially
with my parents, who never understand or try to. you see,
my parents, when they put a thought in there heads, they
wont believe anything else, or an explanation. trust me it
was bad. did they scar me emotionally yes. and mentally
also, but that ddnt last long, a few years only. 9th
grade, my freshman year, well, ddnt that suck. too much
drama. keep in mind i never said i got out of depression.
so yes it followed me to high school. my first love, was
with the wrong person, when i broke up with him, after a
week, he ddnt ask y or bother to care, he ignored me for 9
freakn months, and it suckd like hell. on the last day of
that horrible year, it was after school, and i was looking
for my friend to go home with. and well i was sexually
assualted by a senior. he was my best friends boyfriend at
the time, imagine that. he wouldnt let me go he was 6 foot
something and i was/still am 4 11". so i couldnt do much.
he bruised my wrists, grabbed my boobs, and other private
places that can scar a poor freshman. i was terrified, i
was traumatized. i ddnt tell a soul. sophomore year i
started talking to a very old friend of mine, that i met
in the 1st grade. he was perfect, my savior, well it felt
like that anyways. when you'v cried you eyes dry, and
you'v been on your knees asking got to kill you and take
you away from this world, then a person so kind, honest,
and trustworthy, and loving comes around, well it was no
surprise i fell in love with him. but he was my best
friends boyfriend, sucked like a bitch. as u can imagine
rumors started, fights emerged, life sucks. that spring
break, prepare yourself ok? that spring break i was
sexually assualted by my cousin. wat sucks even more is
that he was like my brother believe me when i say i loved
him more than my parents. it terrifeid me, i felt so
hated, will it be that melodramatic if i say, i wondered y
everything would happen to me? the days after that
incident were dark. that happend the first saterday before
spring break. i wouldnt speak to anyone, or ate much. i
crieed everynight. i hated myself. that night was the
night my life took a pause. and i say it took a pause
becuz i told my aunt (his mom) on sunday and ud think it
was the sunday after the incident, trust me so did i. but
it was a week after. and to be completely honest, i dont
have any memory of that week. please dnt thnk im one of
those emos, im not. im anything and everything but a dark
poser (no offense) just getting the point across. rumors
spread and ppl started to hate him. he moved on or got
over it which ever you want to thnk of it. he got himself
a girlfriend and continued with his life. me...
(traumatized) yet again forced myself to get over it.
still trying. the monthes that past, well i never wanted
to be left a lone with my dad, when a guy friend or
someone touched me a certain way or just plain out touched
me, well i panicked. when ever i saw my cousin, (oh we go
to the same school) well adrenalince sparked in my veins,
and i went into preditor mode i guess. right now its the
beginning of my junior year, you'd think that i would go
to therapy or talk to a shrink or watever, believe me i
want to. my parents dont think i need it, then again they
only know have of my life's story, where as anyone who
reads this, knows a good 75% of it.

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