Vanilla

Down

Sometimes I feel this sick obbsession, an obsession to look
perfect, imaculate, thin, pretty and so on. It makes me
physically sick to see pretty girls. And this isnt all the
time its just sometimes...and they are specific girls
too...girls I always thought were better than me as a child
because they were skinnier, prettier, had lovley clothes and
were loved by all. That was my image of them. And I was that
fat hairy shrek that everyone just piked on and didnt like
much. So me putting on weight right now is stressing me out.
I dont feel pretty at all...infact im realizing i might just
be really ugly. I know this sounds pretty shallow right
now...but its an insecurity I cant help. To be put down all
your life and then have to change to perfect yourself is
hard work and there is always competition. I have a horrid
body with flab in random places i also have fat arms. I just
wana be thin. I dont care if im godamn anorexic but i dont
want to be obese im not letting myself go through that
again.

It doesnt help when men you like, or men that chase you just
suddently reject you or reject your existance. It fails to
make sense in my head. Yes i know what people say "they aint
worth your time, your better than them etc" No its not good
enough. It just hurts my self esteem. So V out of all people
pushing me away like that after chasing me hurts. How can he
just toy with me like that? he told me I fall in love
easily..that makes me sound so godamn easy, but it is true i
fall so easily...for literally anyone...why the hell am I
like that?..and then i just dump them when i realize i was
illuded by the idea of love. So is V different? I dont know,
dont think so. Maybe I fell in love with the idea of love.
Dont get me wrong I dont mean love in the deep sense because
if thats the case Ive never been in love. So this sounds
cheesy but me and V are meant to be right?....what the hell
i need to stop this. I need to stop obsesing over him. How
dare he make me fall for him. Bastard! He must be loving
this right now...even though to his face im faking it. I
want to see him again...i saw him two days ago we went for
drinks and i joked about the time i liked him...when in
reality i still do. HA. well he bought it, i played it
well...and then he sat next to me hehe and was being flirty,
well more playful and i kept pushing him away esp when he
tried to hold my hand. I guess i need to stop reading these
things as signs and just realize he doesnt want me in any
kind of way. I am shocked though that he could have booked a
hotel room but told me he didnt because he thought something
would happen between us. Lucky for him that he
didnt...because i wouldnt have given him anything I was
going to tease the crap out of him and give him nothing not
even a kiss. But that means he didnt even want me in that
sense?....yet I know hes attracted to me...its so obvious.
So what the hell is stopping him?...is he insecure and
paranoid like he said?..or am I just making excuses for him
in my head and wanting to beleive hes just delluded and does
deep down love me when he doesnt. God this is V why do i
even care?!

I dont know why i allow thoughts of him to get me down. Like
I know that I dont love him but theres something I just want
from him. I think i really do like him for him. Its a weird
like I have for him...one i havnt felt with others..its this
security. I guess I know why im hurt...he cruhed my
hope..and dreams..its just In the end i knew i could be with
him and marry him because hes physically mentally and
financialy secure. Hes just got that right mix. And now to
thnik that probably wont happen just hurts...hurts enough
that i dont want to be this anymore. This is making me
change i dont want to care anymore..i just want to use
everyone now. Im just so done. I guess im not even
heartbroken..hes just made me face harsh reality. And this
is it. He was there for me as a "friend" for a year he held
me when i was down, he was my rock, i ran to him with my
problems and he would be that angel who would fix it...but
now..i cant go to him...why? all because i gave in..i knew
not to give in to him and tell him i like him or even fall
for him but i did...coz look where that got me now..all he
wanted was to chase me. Why tell me he likes me for a year
and then in the end give me a sort of ultimatum to choose
him or my boyfriend (who I was just with for no reason..or
more to stop myself getting hurt by him) so i make that
decision...even though i didnt leave my ex for him
specifically but a few months later I fall for V and i
practically in that sense choose him and he tells me he
likes me but hes busy with his life...hes finished his law
degree im still in uni im still having fun etc while hes a
working adult now. Why chase me then? why tell me you even
like me? why?...he told me he cant expect me to wait for
him...he said maybe in 2 years time we could be?..i look
back now its so pathetic..that just sounds so pathetic. If
he didnt want to be with me and it was a chase why couldnt
he just tell me to my face I deserve that. I deserve the
truth and ive always told him not matter how harsh it is to
just do me that favour and tell me things honestly like he
always has done it the past so why do that to me now? Im so
disapointed in him he just let me down.

Why isit that he doesnt even think of me anymore? before i
told him i liked him he wouldnt go a day without
calling/txting asking how I am, but not that hes got me he
flipped the tables over. I wont chase him i wont call him
txt him etc he can do that. But he just isnt now and i miss
him. I miss his voice, i miss hugging him, i miss him being
there for me..importantly i miss his friendship and it feels
like i dont have that as much anymore. I try to go on and
ignore the fact that this is it. This is reality. Life goes
on, i know it does...but every now and then i sit here and
think and i miss him and thats why i end up here writing
some diary so i dont have to confront how i feel to anyone
close to me or my friends or anyone....or maybe even myself.