BeautifulStarzz

Me Complicated
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Ezoic
2010-09-02 17:19:53 (UTC)

Cant let go...

I heard my ex boyfriend got married this past weekend. I
should call him my ex-fiance because he asked me to marry
him a long time ago. I had mixed feelings when I heard
about it. I was happy, sad, dissappointed. We've been
apart for almost three yrs I think but I cant stop thinking
about him. I dont know why I should think about him or
even miss him. I know he doesn't think of me. maybe it's
because I was the one who was deeply in love more than him.
we have such history between us. he was not my type at all
when we first met but i was attracted to him. guess it was
that bad boy attitude of his from the streets and I was the
shy, nice girl from the good side of the neighborhood. I
was instantly attracted to him and him to me. we dated but
he left me twice for girls that were so below me and than I
found out it was because he felt i was too good for him.
maybe I was in others eyes but the emotional connection
(and sex) was too great. he was like a drug to me and i
wanted him so badd. i fell in love with him within a few
weeks-this was 10 yrs ago and I still feel something for
him.
we got back together for a short time and then I got
pregnant, but lost the baby. we took it very hard. at that
time he was in jail doing a 6 yr sentence and i always
visited him. we grew so close before he went in and during
his sentence we grew so close emotionally. we made so many
plans i couldn't see myself with anyone else ever! we
planned to move, get married, have kids but then something
happened. he thought i was cheating on him, letting his
family get in his head and nothing i did or said could get
those demons out of his head. we grew apart. letters slowed
down and no more calls.
i decided to move on with my life and then when i found
someone i was happy with, he here comes three months later
out of jail; looking for me. I was so happy to hear he was
home and so torn. i was with someone else now. i didn't
want to lose someone so great but part of my heart still
belong to HIM. it still does now.
i think it was the passion between us; the talks; the
dreams that we had, the promises we made to each other.
gone now.
i saw him once and we made love. it was great! but he was
with someone else and so was I so we both did wrong. we
never talked about it again. and i felt so bad afterwards.
I had to distance myself from him to figure out what i was
going to do and i made the right decision. i know i did. i
stayed with my current boyfriend, we have a good life- i
love him so much but how can I still be bothered and love
my ex as well? i feel like i have a curse on me.
i still have dreams of him, i can see pictures of him on
the net through social network sites ( and i do look at
them); and i keep wondering "what if".
damn it I want him to leave my heart, my mind and no matter
what I do I think about him at least once everyday. was
this the love of my life???? Was he to be the one. It was
my fault that we are not together. i should of waited. i
should of been there when he got out so we could of gave it
a chance. but its his fault too. he never said he wanted to
be with me. he gave up on us as i did and its something
that eats at me everyday. i have to let go to be able to
move on with my life and give my all to my current
relationship. i have a family now and still a part of me
belongs to him. will my heart ever let go? i hope so
because i want to be completely happy and focused on what
is in front of me and not what is behind me.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I MISS US SO MUCH! I still love you. I
would of done anything for you. Thank you for the times we
had i will never forget it. Six years being together was a
long time and now four years later you still haunt me in
songs, movies, my live and in my dreams. please let me go.

Hmmm.....i dont know what else to do anymore. how will i
get him out of my heart? its said time heals all wounds,
but so much time as past and still he is here in my heart.
damn! I hate you for making me fall in love with you and
telling me you would never leave me, never change but where
are you now?
I guess what bothers me is that the few times he has ran
into me, he acts like nothing ever happened between us. as
if i'm just some girl he used to know. i wish i could
actually feel like that. feel that he didnt matter to me
but he did. well getting this out may be a way to let go of
the past. i hope so because i cant go on like this..


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