- s o u l

music's innovations .
2010-09-02 02:35:46 (UTC)

mongrel heart .

"love is turning you out, sliding worry 'round. i try to
warn its waiting game to bring the specter down."


hello, heart? remember me? i'm sorry i put you through all
these hasty faces thinking they were going to last. i wasn't
sure for myself on what you wanted. all i thought about was
myself. i promise i'll never hurt you again. i love you,
heart. don't forget it.

that, my dear reader, was a letter to my heart. i know, it's
corny and stupid, but it's the only person i could talk to.
yes, inanimate objects do count since i consider this doary
a person as well.

anyway, i feel like a failure. i failed two tests.. two. in
one day. my honors chemistry and math test. well, i don't
really know the grade of the test, but i already know i
failed. why? because i suck. i can't do anything right.
that's why i'm always getting hurt. for my chemistry test, i
KNOW i failed 'cause i didn't know half the stuff on there.
for my math test, i didn't get to finish because my
calculator decided it wanted to play the 'let's-randomly-
cut-off-and-not-cut-back-on-for-the-hell-of-it' game with
me. so yeah, i'm a failure. an epic failure of life.. of
everything.

so what now? i don't have a boyfriend, i'm going to fail two
of my classes, i'm always isolated by myself, my bus gives
me headaches, and got dammit, where's my ipod? i could've
sworn i left it on the counter. huh. it was dead anyway. i
can't find that blasted charger.

well, i guess it's good that i don't have a boyfriend,
right? right.. i could focus on my work more.. it's one less
person i have to text a day.. i don't have to use the word
'love' anymore.. oh, what the fuck am i talking about? i
miss him. and i can't really do anything about it. he's not
going to take me back like in those old, nice, classic
bullshitted disney movies. that's just how life goes. yep..
non-fairy-tails in this world..

sigh, i need to do something with my life. i need to find
something that keeps me happy. drawing has slowly
disintegrated from my soul.. i either feel like doing it or
i don't. maybe i'll just start reading books again like i
did in middle school. and then i'll keep a list. yeah, that
should get my mind off of things. but then i have to find a
quiet place. that place doesn't exist in this apartment i'm
in. the only place that's quiet is the bathroom. when you're
inside it.

and i'm always depressed.. well, not all the time.. just
most of the time. i just don't have a reason to be super
happy anymore..

and my ex just called me.. i told him that i don't really
want a relationship right now because i just got out of
one.. and then i was gonna tell him i don't know when i'm
gonna start wanting a relationship, but he hung up. that
bastard. oh no, as he just texted me, he "lost connectiom."
and yes, that 'm' DOES belong there because that's how he
spelled it.

i'm so tired of this.. i'm NOT going to be in a
relationship. this is another promise to you, heart. this
sad, mongrel heart of mine. it'll be okay.


[ Mongrel Heart - Broken Bells ]




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