Life as I thought it once was
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2010-09-01 01:33:59 (UTC)

A new start?

If someone else is reading this that I don't know then you
right now have no idea who I am. You don't know what kind
of personality I have or what my likes and dislikes are.
You don't even know what I look like. To me, thats a fresh
start. You know what I mean... meeting people you never met
before, being able to "create a new you."

I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I
know I don't play sports and I know that I will probably
never be as peppy as the chearleader I tried out to be in
7th grade and failed to be.

I won't say my life sucks. It doesn't. I get pretty much
everything I want/need. My parents are still together. Even
though sometimes I don't think they should be but that can
wait for another time.

I'm a junior in high school. I don't mind school at all. I
infact am pretty good at school. I'm not like a braniac but
I make A's and B's. I want to go to school to be a doctor.
That dream is kind of out there but I am still trying to
reach for it.

I moved from Illinois to Indiana. Not that far of a move
but enough to make things better for my family and I. We
didn't like Illinois at all. Especially my mother and I. I
had friends, lots of friends. I was on student council. My
best friend played every sport the school offered and I
never felt alone in the hallway because I always had
someone I could talk to. Don't let me fool you by putting a
picture up of me as "popular" or anything. The school had
400 kids. It's kind of hard not to get to know people.
People tend to talk about each other a lot. Which caused a
lot of my problems to begin with.

When I moved here I was expecting to get away from that
small town drama in a school of 2,000 but all I found was..
nothing. Yes, nothing. Even in those tight hallways where
you can barely make it to your class on time I feel more
alone than I have in years. I don't know what it is. I
spend night after night laying awake thinking about what I
could do differently to make some sort of a connection with
someone. Every night I come up with nothing because I am
simply doing what I have for years. Maybe I am being to
judgmental. Maybe I should give those potheads a try. Maybe
I should talk to those girls who could care less how my day
went. Maybe I am thinking too far into who I should be
around. I mean, you can't really be picky when you have no
one to talk to. No one to share secrets with and no one to
spend time after school with either.

Everytime I walk into the school I feel the walls slowly
caving in, sufficating me to my limits. My once opened
wrists are begging to be set free again. I don't understand
whats happening. This isn't me, this isn't who I was
before. I am supose to be loud and outspoken, not afraid of
anyone or anything but here I am quiet and alone.

In Illinois classes were easy. Here I took more than I
could handle thinking I was preparing in advance for
college. Thats the worst part. When all you want to do when
you come home is forget about your day of nothing and have
so much work to do you can't do anything else but focuse on
it. My life revolves around something I thought was supose
to change me for the better but is dragging me down for the

Just when I thought I was done for, just when I thought I
was going to scream... I discovered online schooling. I am
3/4 the way done with my credits for online schooling
thanks to Illinois. I am thankful for that at least. I can
even graduate at the end of this year. So after a week of
hoping and praying that I can get out of this hell I
finally have escaped. I start next week.

Now, I know you are thinking that since I don't know anyone
and I will be at home all the time I will have no life.
Which is true probably but when did I ever have a life
before? Now I can do the things I want like jog on the
tredmile, take an art class and even just play video games
again. I feel like Indiana has taken me away from myself
and my securities. So for the next year I am going to
focuse on mending the damage that this past 5 months has
caused. I want my life back.

So is this the new start I was hoping for all along?