Vanilla

Seeing V again.

It hurts when you lend your heart out to someone, and your
reminded of it.

I thouht i was ready to see him, but i have this little
ache i kind of supressed. He hurt me and i Hate admiting
it. I wanted to be with him. I saw a future with him, but
he didnt want me. That hurts to think i wasnt worth HIS
time. I wasnt good enough for HIM. It hurts my ego, my
very being. Me.

Ive been obbsesd with food for the past 2 weeks or more
and funny today I didnt even enjoy my meal, the food
wouldnt even go down coz I dont feel happy, I just feel a
little stressd and meeting V today just emphasised this
big fat hole in my heart. I acted like i didnt give a shit
rather then a despereate wounded puppy, but really deep
down I felt a litttttle bit hurt not alot though. Just
that emptiness that crept in.

Hes been on holiday in croatia for two weeks, while I was
flat hunting I by mistake gave my card details and
basically agreed to this flat thats nowhere near uni, I
just want to escape the reality that i might not be able
to afford it. Im so drained. I dont wana think about
anything right now i think i just need BED, but Ive
promised to call my best mate even though i dont want too.
i smoked four cigaretes today of V even though ive quit. I
feel quilty but ive been stressed all week and this felt
like a killer relief. im tired Im drained I dont wana have
to deal with this right now