Confessions of a married woman
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2010-08-31 17:27:50 (UTC)

It's complicated!

A little background on me. When I was 19 I started dating
some very well-mannered, generous, handsome, virgin young
man that was 18. He and I were dating for 3 years,
despite him being in the military and him coming to see me
every weekend for three years, we had a blast when we saw
each other, we both were faithful and loved each other
very much. Three years later he proposed to me and we got
married a few months later, two weeks later he was on a
plane to Japan where he was going to finish the last year
of his military services. I was living with my parents
while he go back in a year. He came back we were the
happiest ever, and well he has been the man that I was
married to until about two years ago (well techinically we
are still married but have been separated for almost two
years) on Septemeber we will hit the two year mark of
being separated, he left me for another woman and hasn't
really compeltely left me. I mean we still live together,
he pays for our mortage, my car and I pay for the utility
bills, I still wash for him and sometimes cook for him, we
watch TV together, we sleep in the same bed, we spoil our
dog, it is so weird. He is still involved with that other
woman because on his days off he will spend the night and
day with her it is like he is living a double life, that
quite frankly I'm getting fed up with. But this lifestyle
works for me right now because I don't have the money to
live alone or pay for my car, so it is a win situation for
me hence, why I'm still there. I still do my own thing,
as you can see, of course he really believes I'm exclusive
to him, but that so wouldnt be fair, right? Anyway, he
never tells me he loves me or anything like that and yea
it hurts a little but actions speak louder than words
right? Why would he still be there if he doesnt love me?
He still buys me gifts for my birthday, christmas,
valentines, etc...I believe he truly still loves me but I
want him to get rid of his other life, will he? I don't
know, but even though I'm having a blast with my single
life, I kinda want to go back to being a wife. A part of
me wants to be the homebody that I was two years ago, but
another part of me loves the party scene and the men.
Anyway yesterday, while we were watching TV, i turned to
him and said, "Hey, I love you. You know it is going to
be two years soon from our separation, you know, I can't
wait for you forever, so please think really hard of what
you want to do" He didn't say anything, but he did get
teary eyed. I don't know what to do. I wish someone
would save me. I wish I'd fall in love with someone and
vice versa and it would make things so much easier for me,
but no. I feel like I'm heartless, the guy that i wish
would have fallen for me didn't. I lost him and well here
I am in this pathedic dating cycle that is the same game
over and over. I guess I need to put my act together and
start playing hard to get. Why is this dating shit so
complicated!?!? Why can't I just find myself a sugar
daddy and get this over with? *Sigh*