maggie2741

MBKU
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2010-08-30 22:06:32 (UTC)

August 30, 2010

So today was some of my last finals... HOORAY!!! Also, it was one of the last
days Matt's dad will own Mr. Hero. I guess i am not to be curious about how
people react or think. I just need to sit in solitary confinement. Thats how
Matt
makes me feel. I just was asking him questions about his sisters and how
they
felt being out of a job.... I was joking because I know at least Monica will be
extremely happy. Apparently thats a bad question and Matt never cares. I
think
the worst thing is that while Matt's family somewhat seems to embrace me... I
always feel like an outsider and sometimes just feel like a piece of shit about
it.
Honestly, I think Matt is a lot of the source of that. He is a relatively negative
or
self-involved person. He always tells me not to worry or who cares or how he
doesn't want to do whatever. My feeling is ok, well thanks for considering me.
As I begin to look at a lot of our relationship, there are tons of things like
this.
Things that he doesn't care about if it doesn't fit to what he wants to do or
talk
about. While I consider myself a people watcher, he makes me feel like I
should
have my eyes out for looking. I am not allowed to look or wonder or
anything.
Maybe I am nosey once in awhile, but should I feel like I should be completely
isolated from all human emotion. It is emotion... I am not to think about what
others feelings are. It bothers me, because its just another thing that I have to
keep to myself. I really do feel alone in our relationship... in the world. No
one
makes me feel good about myself.
I know a lot of these feelings can be brought on by stress, but sometimes I
feel like that doesn't matter. I still should be able to talk or ask questions,
shouldn't I? Maybe its just that I am not allowed to wonder or talk about his
family. Sometimes I do need to stop saying things about his family. But there
are a lot of things I don't understand why I can't even talk about them, Marc
and his gf breaking up, his dad selling his store, his mom's breast cancer. I
guess its just another way I feel like I am not part of their family. My family
always tries to include him... why do I feel so isolated. I don't think its his
family... I feel like its him. Why is he like that? If this was a movie or
something, I would say he is cheating on me... but I know thats not true.
What is wrong with me?
I told him how I don't like how he talks to me, he said that I was overreacting
and I told him no I am not and that I have been writing how I feel on this and
he acted like why would I do that. Or at least thats how I interpreted it. Like I
said before why wouldn't I use this, I get no response, but at least I get to feel
like I can explain myself and not feel like an idiot when I am done.
I wish I had someone that asked questions when I talked about how I feel, but
the kind of questions that showed they wanted to understand. That they
wanted know more about me. That they were concerned that there was
something deeper that I am feeling but am just not saying. Maybe I am
looking for something that I need to pay for.... we will see.


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