August 30, 2010
So today was some of my last finals... HOORAY!!! Also, it was one of the last
days Matt's dad will own Mr. Hero. I guess i am not to be curious about how
people react or think. I just need to sit in solitary confinement. Thats how
makes me feel. I just was asking him questions about his sisters and how
felt being out of a job.... I was joking because I know at least Monica will be
extremely happy. Apparently thats a bad question and Matt never cares. I
the worst thing is that while Matt's family somewhat seems to embrace me... I
always feel like an outsider and sometimes just feel like a piece of shit about
Honestly, I think Matt is a lot of the source of that. He is a relatively negative
self-involved person. He always tells me not to worry or who cares or how he
doesn't want to do whatever. My feeling is ok, well thanks for considering me.
As I begin to look at a lot of our relationship, there are tons of things like
Things that he doesn't care about if it doesn't fit to what he wants to do or
about. While I consider myself a people watcher, he makes me feel like I
have my eyes out for looking. I am not allowed to look or wonder or
Maybe I am nosey once in awhile, but should I feel like I should be completely
isolated from all human emotion. It is emotion... I am not to think about what
others feelings are. It bothers me, because its just another thing that I have to
keep to myself. I really do feel alone in our relationship... in the world. No
makes me feel good about myself.
I know a lot of these feelings can be brought on by stress, but sometimes I
feel like that doesn't matter. I still should be able to talk or ask questions,
shouldn't I? Maybe its just that I am not allowed to wonder or talk about his
family. Sometimes I do need to stop saying things about his family. But there
are a lot of things I don't understand why I can't even talk about them, Marc
and his gf breaking up, his dad selling his store, his mom's breast cancer. I
guess its just another way I feel like I am not part of their family. My family
always tries to include him... why do I feel so isolated. I don't think its his
family... I feel like its him. Why is he like that? If this was a movie or
something, I would say he is cheating on me... but I know thats not true.
What is wrong with me?
I told him how I don't like how he talks to me, he said that I was overreacting
and I told him no I am not and that I have been writing how I feel on this and
he acted like why would I do that. Or at least thats how I interpreted it. Like I
said before why wouldn't I use this, I get no response, but at least I get to feel
like I can explain myself and not feel like an idiot when I am done.
I wish I had someone that asked questions when I talked about how I feel, but
the kind of questions that showed they wanted to understand. That they
wanted know more about me. That they were concerned that there was
something deeper that I am feeling but am just not saying. Maybe I am
looking for something that I need to pay for.... we will see.