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2010-08-29 07:44:33 (UTC)


It has been awhile since I have wrote. I have procrastinated everything. I have
yet to study for finals and less than 48 hrs until them. I put off sleeping
because I am not happy. Sleep would probably make me the happiest but I
always know when I wake its no different then when I went to bed. I have
been watching the show Dexter. I really like it and I think the reason for that
is because I think I really have two different lifes. One that everyone sees and
one that is what everyone sees plus more. I honestly do feel really depressed.
I can't explain it. Its not like a suicidal thing. It is more like I am really
unhappy with my life. When I look at Matt I see someone who I truly love.
But, and sadly there is a but, I see someone who makes me extremely sad. He
never tries to understand me and I feel like I am screaming help to someone
out 1000 miles away. I tell him I feel sick, he says he understands, but then
he tries to have sex with me or "make me feel better." It makes me feel so
small. I feel like he takes what I say and throws it out the door if he its not
what he wants to hear. He tells me thats the way his family is... I don't
believe it and even if it is... I want our family to be different. I want someone
to truly care. To listen or ask prying questions, to try to find out what the
other doesn't want to say. When I married Matt I saw the man I wanted to
marry in him minus what I think I needed the most. I knew it....
This hurts the most because he is everything minus that. Unfortunately, that
is what I need most. I keep trying to push for him to give me that. I write
letters basically crying for his help and he takes them and gets the take home
message "I love you." It made me so furious when he said that. He didn't get
the message " I love you minus the fact that I feel like you don't care" Saying
that he cares makes me hurt more because honestly I do think I am sick
person. I don't want to be on meds, I hate how they alter my state of
consciousness. I just want the person I care most for to really understand me.
I feel like I have this horrible secret but the thing is I don't... it just seems like
I whispered it to him and he couldn't hear so he shook his head that he
understood it when he never heard it.
The problem is though that he is not the only one. I feel like my family is very
much like that too. And honestly I think the person that understands me the
most is the person I can fight with at the drop of a dime. Mike. When I cry or
say something bothers me, he asks questions. He really seems intrigued with
the human mind and honestly I think thats what makes him liked by so many
people. His desire to know comes off as caring. Not a bad trait.
Matt believes that other peoples business is not his. It may not be, but
sometimes knowing other peoples business and acting on it gives them the
feeling that someone out there cares about them. Which I try to do and some
may look at that as wrong. It isn't at least how I look at it. I tried to tell Matt
to do that for his mom and Beran and he didn't think I was right or that I was
thinking too much. Really I was speaking from someone who would have
liked what I suggested. For a long time no one believed my symptoms and all
I thought was I wanted to die I was in so much pain. A lot of it was physical
pain but the rest was feeling alone. No one understood, no one believed me,
no one went out of their way to make sure I really was emotionally ok. I felt
as though my world was crashing down and I had no one to talk to. I felt
I still feel sick. I try to pretend I am not. I am not compliant with my
medications. They make me feel sick. I know being in the health profession
that I should be taking them. I just can't. I can't stomach the thought of how
my stomach feels after I take them. I can't stand feeling left out because I
feel sick and don't want to be around anyone. I know part of it is mental, but I
hate those meds too. They make me feel like someone else and not a good
someone else.
I can't wait to move in with Matt. However, yes there is one, I think he thinks
that will just make me sick of him and that he will eventually be able to go do
everything his buddies want to do. Honestly, I don't think I can handle it. I
hear him talk to his dad and buddies like he will be able to because we will be
making more money, He won't be driving to Columbus, etc. I think I won't
mind it to a point then he will take advantage of it. Then I just become a part
time wife again. I don't think I will be able to deal with this. I hate to say it,
but I think we will get divorced if that happens. I will hate every minute of it,
but I know he won't overly fight when I finally do get the balls to do it. And
when I get the courage to do it, it will be after like the 100th time I
complained about it. It kills me that I can predict it. I don't want it to be true,
but it scares me because there is a good chance it could become true.
Its almost 4 am right now and I needed to really write that. I wish I could just
fall asleep, but that most likely won't happen. Part of the reason is that I wish
everynight I could talk to Matt before I fell asleep, even when I am mad at
him. Which brings up another point, he always lets us go to sleep in a fight,
my biggest pet peeve. Some how I always end up talking to him the next day
and clearing the air ( well in his mind), in mine I am still pissed. Maybe not
about what we were fighting about anymore, but the fact that he could sleep
knowing I was mad while I was losing sleep over him. I feel like thats so
selfish of him, but then again he thinks I am being selfish wanting him to not
do what he wanted to do at the time( sleep, go somewhere, etc.) Well I guess
thats all I could think of to get off my chest, hopefully this writing about it
helps. I saw something about it today and how it helps people deal with
things and increases their health. Lets hope thats true. Maybe it will help me
deal with Matt better, I hope, but really I think I need him to deal with me

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