Thoughts from a fuckup
My emotions are out of control...
I don't understand any of this. My mind is going
insane, I am losing control on the daily basis now. It never
used to be this bad, in San Diego this rarely happened..
Here, it just seems second nature to me. I just am not sure
if I can control it any longer... I love my brothers but
Mason pisses me off to no end. Constantly, he never stops.
it isn't him that pisses me off in the first place but
usually he succeeds at keeping me good and angry. I am so
pathetically uncontrollable now. I am afraid that I have
made a huge mistake in moving back here, but there isn't
much I can do now. If I choose to go back home, I need to
know by tonight.. my ticket is scheduled for the 27th, tomorrow. I am very scared of how I am going to end up.. of
course you are probably thinking "your problem is with you,
and only you can fix it." Well it isn't that easy. I have no
idea where to start or where it started all I know is that I
get overwhelmed so fucking easily. I hate it, no matter how
hard I try to gain power over it I fail miserably every
time. I am about ready to give up and go back to the way it
was, back in San Diego I had so many friends and they all
care way more than I knew. Ildeany... I don't even want to
get started on Ildeany.. I love her to death. She is one of
the most amazing girls I have ever met. It is killing me to
leave her entirely, sure I would be back for summers and
vacations.. but really? There is no way that any of my
friendships would be the same after time and distance had
done its part in the matter. I really feel bad for all of
this, but at the same time I thought it was the right thing
to do.. I am just not so sure anymore. San Diego just seems
like a better place for me.. I guess that we will find out
after I start school here, but by then it will be too late.
I will have stayed here, and there will be no going back.
Then again, I could just stay there when I go for vacation..
but then I think about what that would do to my dad.. or
what it is doing to my mom.. as you can see, I am torn at
the seams. She didn't seem like she cared much about me
staying.. I am just so confused, the last week has been a
bittersweet hellfire in this house. I just want out but no
matter where I go, my problems drag along with me. I am the
problem, I need to fix myself, but I have absoluetly no idea
how to go about doing that...