Change - For the better or worse. Time to go pray.
I have nothing new to say. Everything I'm about to write, I'm sure i've
written before. Wether honestly at the time or simply another occasion
where I overdid my mild depression to make myself feel better about not
I'm lonely, yes. Most of my writings are filled with this. But there's
something different now. I'm lonely and I don't remember not being ever
since I was about 10. Though back then I would cause it purposely. Back
then I thought it was cool to hurt, so most of my pain was made up. It still
Now, I still am. But it's not a painful loneliness. I mean, it hurts
sometimes. There are mornings when I wake up feeling pretty and I
shower before breakfast. When I dress up and spend a couple of more
minutes on my make up and hair. When I feel ready to go out and being a
16 year old.
But when I'm done and ready, I realize I have nowhere to go, no one to
call. No friends, I remind myself.
The breaths following those mornings usually quicken in frustration. In
pure young, moody frustration because I want to have fun but I can't. And
it hurts then.
But those don't happen that often. Most mornings I wake up in attempts of
fooling my mind that I am still asleep. It never works. But I still try.
But the loneliness that fogs my mind is slightly different now. I'm older than
I was. And though it feels like I've had no life changing experiences
whatsoever, i can still feel myself maturing. It's fascinating. I see things
differently. Im not bitter anymore, I don't even know when I stopped being
it. When I make comments about not wanting to party, not wanting to see
anybody, not wanting to lead the life every teenager leads in this clone
infested little town, I find it that I really mean them. I find it that I really am
not dying to get drunk for the first time, that even though, yes, the dude
over there is cute, I don't care if he notices me or not. I don't care.
It feels as if I owe so many explanations to mysel before I keep on with
the firsts. It feels as if I have to have things clear with myself, even if that
entails having to admit that I don't know shit about shit.
Yes, I feel downright lonely and nonexistant. But the honesty in which I'm
telling myself this kind of gives me confindence, and that is always a start,
right? Now it's a matter of talking more, of smiling more. Of moving the
hair out of my face and stop being the chicken shit Ive been since I can
I'm tired of that. I'm fucking exhausted of it.
So I'ma have to get rid of it somehow, someway. I realize the savior I'd
been waiting for when I needed no saving, didn't come and that the savior
Id been waiting for when I did, didn't make an appearance either. So now
I guess it's all on me, because I have way too many plans to give up
before I've even gotten the chance to start them.
See? I wouldn't have been able to say that just a couple of months ago.
But now I can. I'm still lonely, but it's different now. It as if I'm really
nearing the ending of something. It's only the echo of the loneliness I used
to feel. Kind of like the after effects of it. It's not affecting me any more.
I'm lonely but somehow happy. Still depressed but it's only a matter of
At this point I don't know if I'm getting better, I only know that things are
changing. I'm changing.