2010-08-20 12:26:48 (UTC)

snotty little bitch..nice..

ok well matt, my stepdad, and me got into an argument
because i was worried about dropping a dish of food in the
kitchen and when i asked him wheather he could help me he
did but went off mumbling how stupid i was..could hear it
cause our house isn't that big and i could hear him
moaning to my mum. so when i went in i just sat there not
talking and he said ''jade for gods sake stop acting like
a snotty little bitch''. said i was gonna have a
bath..took the knife that i keep under my mattress with me
and locked the door, i cut myself deeper than before and
then got into the boiling hot bath so the hot water would
burn and sting, it killed but surely a 'snotty little
bitch' deserves to feel pain right? got out the bath hid
the knife in a pile of clothes i was carrying and got into
my room, put the knife back under my mattress and carried
on as normal, because to them im okay and im normal. guess
this way they won't know, not really.

my friend, who also has an account on here, called becca
managed to find my account and has read everything on here
i assume, out of boredom i read the her diary. it said
that i was struggling and that she wants to comfort me but
will end up saying the wrong thing because shes not meant
to know. im fine with her knowing whats on here as long as
she doesn't tell anyone, i don't want some things leading
to alex knowing about the main thing..cause alex reacts
badly to everything. i think becca might be worried about
me being annoyed cause of this one time becca read stavs
diary on here and they got into a fight. my diary is a
public one so she hasn't done anything wrong.

haven't spoken to alex again, surprise surprise.
i know this won't last with everything thats going on but
i really want it to last sometimes, i wanna be able say
when im older when someone asks who my first boyfriend was
that hes still with me and his names alex but i was
thinking how possible it might be that once we're not
spending lot of time together then it'll just break
completely. last night when i was laying in bed he phoned
a phone my parents don't know i have (old phone that they
think i've lost) and he kept playing computer games and
talking to his friends on xbox or something then when he
was bored of gaming he started watching tv and it didn't
feel like he was paying any attention to me at all but he
had all my attention, i wasn't doing anything but
listening to every word he was saying. feel a bit annoyed
about it cause i felt lonely at the time and just wanted
him there to hold me until i fell asleep wrapped in his

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