Vanilla

Realization

Its been a long time since I wrote my emotions down, seeing
as the last time mother decided to read everything present
it in my face as a tool to humiliate and question me, then
for me to end up in tears and tearing it apart into pieces
for it no longer was personal but a disgusting exposure of
me. But now Im older and things have changed.

Today I feel ok, stronger I guess and better then before, I
try to keep a positive mind even though some days feel
harder than ever. I went gym and I feel so fat, I cant stop
obbsesing about my weight, Im fat my old clothes do not fit
me anymore and people have noticed that I have put on
weight. But for some reason I just cant stop eating..binge
eating..its pathetic, I can be so pathetic sometimes.

Didnt think much about V ive tried to stop all thoughts that
make me miss him, think about him and make me wish I could
possibly be with him. Ive also concluded I will no longer
get into relationships because frankly I am just not in that
mind set right now.

Ive been looking for flats/houses to rent in Canary Warf and
Greenwich oh if only I could find one in my price range
which we could all agree to. Saw one in Millenium Village it
is BEAUTIFUL!! Anyways all this effort of viewing houses is
making me go insane and I just feel sick, also I dont even
know what the hell is going on with my loans!!! goddamn
student f***** finance! I hate summer and I hate being at
home because this is the time where i begin to feel
suffocated, my panic attacks start and i feel trapped
between these four walls as memories just pour into my mind.
Its sickening, I HATE THIS HOUSE, I HATE THIS ROOM and I
just want to leave. All I can think about is the tears, pain
and torture I lived through everyday of my life.

My fakade is absolutely amazing to the world I am a
confident, perfect, spoilt princess with a smile plastered
across my face, what i really am inside is a broken paranoid
hurt angry bitter child who feels ripped into shreds, lost
and in constantly craving that love I never received and to
understand why everything was so horrible for me, why my
life used to be the way it was. But this no longer effects
me because I dont let it, lukily the pain has decreased I
hardly feel it anymore feels more like a distant memory, I
feel more positive and I cant actually remember the feelings
of sickness all day long and stomach dropping anymore. All I
know is that I havnt felt like killing myself for a very
long time. Thank god, touch wood. And today I am in a good
mood =)