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2010-08-16 15:36:37 (UTC)

feeling shit...

ok well saw alex on friday and met his family for the first
time, they were really nice and friendly and i spent most
of the day round their house, me and alex went to his room
joked around for a bit, i fell asleep in his arms and just
messing around he went to finger me, i stopped him knowing
he would feel the cut marks on my lower stomach, i told him
i'd rather he didn't cause he might get annoyed with
me...he started asking me why i would do it to myself..i
didn't say anything but inside i just kept
thinking ''because its whats helping me cope'' i couldn't
tell him that though, i almost started crying, i feel i've
let him down again..after that we stopped talking about it
and instead changed the subject to something really stupid
like yahoo or something, then he randomly got on top of me
and started having dry sex with me, i just lay still not
making a sound or telling him to stop it because if it
makes him happy then its okay. he said he was worried i
wasn't eating, because the whole time i was there i didn't
eat a thing, i mean i don't enjoy eating at all anyway, it
makes me feel disgusted, the thought of it in your mouth
being chewed, mushed up, i think its gross. plus to be
honest i feel fat today :/ think i'll skip lunch again, i
don't get that hungry anyway so it won't do any harm right?

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