Why do I continue to engage in behavior that leaves me feeling defeated physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally? The stress of this patterned behavior leaves me weak and the pattern of pain reveals that nothing has changed. But where do I start? Being head smart feels so unnatural to me, for I know my strength comes from my heart, which is presently misguided. Denial has been easy but the long-term affects are taking a toll. I have dug a hole in my soul equivalent to the greatest of oceans resulting in raging waves of emotions that are disrupting my daily dealings, and as I take on this journey to deal with these feelings, I feel like giving up. My head space is clouded and my body is responding in the form of anxiety. Today, I took a step toward clearing my space. The results were smaller groups of emotional chaos past and present, and presently my self motivation is being swallowed.