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2010-08-13 22:06:43 (UTC)

Lonely But Not

So This is my first time doing this...it feels weird but
hopefully I will get used to it. I have been meaning to put
my thoughts into words since I started this relationship. A
new one, new circumstances for me as well..For you see I am
having an affair with a married man. I never thought that I
would even go there but I did. I must say, what really
bothers me about this, well besides getting caught, is the
fact that he is so close but yet so far. It gets even worse
when the sun goes down, when I go to sleep in that big empty
bed of mine. That is when my mind and thoughts of "What the
fuck are you doing?" comes to the fore front. I am beginning
to hate the nights. The day time so many things around me to
distract me. *sighs* another thing I am such an idiot,
getting so happy when we finally do talk, which is rare you
know wife kids work and all. and I find myself hoping to see
him. I find myself getting upset that he is not with me all
the time. I know I don't have that right. I know it is
wrong. I know, I know this, but wow no one and I mean no one
has ever made me feel so good before. and I am not just
talking about sex. We have such a good time just hanging,
talking listening to music. Even just driving around not
having to say anything to each other just enjoying each
others company makes me so damn happy. There have been
plenty of nights I cried myself to sleep. I have to wonder
is it because I have not been intimate in such a long time
and he was the first to actual break down those barriers I
placed up? I have fallen for him no doubt. that is something
I will be keeping to myself. So many questions that goes
unanswered. So many things I want to know about him. So many
things that I want to tell him, share with him. I want to
know what is on his mind. What are his intentions. He told
me it is not just sex, that he wants to get to know me.
Hmmmmm It seems that it will be a while. Those things swirls
around on my mind at night, and just before I drift off to
sleep, the last question I ask myself is. Do I have that
right to even go there like that with him?
Last night I felt bad. I saw him for less than a minute.
Driving away I was so torn. I wanted him to hold me and kiss
me. I get jealous you know. His wife not knowing what a good
man she has, and does not cherish it. I don't know I don't
think he will ever leave his wife. That is one thing I would
not bring up. I did have a dream about it though. Made me
cry when I woke up. He told me in my dream that he was not
leaving his wife. *laughs* is that an indication of what's
to come. I have been asked out since we started this affair
three times now. And I turned them down....Why did I do
that? I will tell you why....I felt that I would be doing
HIM wrong. What a fucked up way of thinking. Fully well
knowing he has someone he can turn to when he gets lonely
(besides me on occasions). I think about him, being intimate
with her. And it makes me want to die. So I don't think
about that or try my best not too.I know my thoughts are all
over the place. Random Ranting it what I call it.
I want to be happy I want to get married I want someone to
call my own, and I want it with him...I want him...I have
him but I don't. I'm lonely but....I just feel even more
lonely...WTF!!!!!! Earlier on this week he called me around
12:30am saying that he will try to make it over to my house.
I waited up for him for two hours....I knew that he fell
asleep..but damn shoot a txt or phone call to let me know
you won't make it...I work up three hours later to head into
work. So damn tired and then coming home late this entire
week has put it's toll on me...He does that sometime you
know. call, tell me he will call me back...and doesn't. I
send him texts messages once in a while I will be lucky
enough to get one back with more than two words. I
understand the wife is around at times, I understand he
might have had a busy day. I just wish he would see it from
my pov at times. I Look forward to hearing from him. I get
so excited when he actually does call me back. I get so damn
happy when he does make it over. *sighs softly* I am a hot
mess huh. I will figure it out one day. I am working on my
feelings for him, but crashed and burned trying to do that.
I have fallen for him...fallen hard..and I am so scared. I
know there will be pain and heartbreak...and it will
probably be on me. That is the risk of getting involved with
someone not yours right. I do try and stay positive. But I
cannot be ignorant of those possibilities either. Wow said a
lot today...well this is a whole months worth of just Random
Ranting. It feels good to actually get it off my chest.
There really anyone I can talk to about this. And it's not
like I am an "expert" in extra marital affairs *chuckles*.
far from it actually. Like I said earlier a first for me,
and his second. *shakes her head* anyway just taking it one
day at a time. Maybe the next time I get asked out, I should
just go huh?