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2010-08-11 09:04:38 (UTC)

i needed him to help me..

okay well last couple of days have been kinda hard :/
firstly my mums ill, she suffers alot with her back and the
doctors don't know whats causing it, the pain started in
her back but over the last couple of months the pain has
gone to other parts of her body as well. somedays she can't
move and has to stay in bed, im the oldest so i therefor
automatically have to take responsability of both my
brothers, i'll look after them during the morning then sort
out lunch then during the afternoon i'll clean the house up
before my step dad gets home. last night my mum told matt
she was worried if it was cancer cause all the doctors know
is that she fighting against something, and well its spread
from her back and all :( i've already lost dad, i don't
wanna lose my mum too...

secondly mum and matt have been arguing every single night
for about the last 5 days, last night was really bad, it
started with my mum asking matt to get something out the
shed and then he started ranting about how our shed is full
of stupid stuff we don't need. he started ranting and got
really wound up, i was standing next to our kitchen door,
which was open, and matt threw a gamer chair that belonged
to my brother in the kitchen, it was about an inch away
from hitting me, i still stood there for about another 5
mins and then matt found a suitecase, mine from when i was
little, it had some of my stuff from my old house e.g.
peices for some dolls houses which i wanted to sell, snow
globes with messages on them that i used to collect, and a
couple of ornaments. it hit the pavement and some stuff
broke. mum was fuming and then matt told me to piss off
pretty much and all i said was ''oh well done, you've
ruined another night for everyone'' that got him really
annoyed but i walked off, went to the livingroom and just
cried while no one was there, i don't like it when they see
things are getting to me, i feel weak and pathetic when i
do. arguing carried on for about another half an hour and
they forgot that i'd put dinner on. burnt. so didn't eat
much yesterday either.

everything feels like its changing. im moving school and at
my new school i don't know anyone really. i've spent the
last 3 years at my now old school and it was the one place
i kinda felt okay, i had friends and i enjoyed all my
lessons and now im losing that. i think the main thing im
worried about is being classed as a freak when people see
my scars then getting bullied about it. i just want to be
accepted i guess, thats not to much to ask right? then
we're moving house within the next month ,i wasn't happy
about moving and well i didn't really have a say in that
either, im not happy about it but everyone else is so i
don't wanna cause trouble with that either.

then yesterday i felt really really down and i told my
boyfriend about it, well the arguing anyway, and i was
hoping he was gonna make everything feel okay again but
instead he was asking me stuff like what would i do if he
was considering suicide ect. all mainly because of a couple
of arguments with his dad. over really stupid stuff, when
we got off the phone i just sat there crying for what
seemed like forever and i got the sharpener blade thingy
out again, its good because its so small no one notices. i
was gonna do it on my arm then thought better of it so atm
i only have a seriously lite scratch on the outside of my
arm, i doubt anyone would notice, but on my lower stomach
im covered in marks. it looks gross but i don't know how to
cope any other way. i don't know how to cope at all.

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