Miss Lost

Beautiful Disaster
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2010-08-09 13:54:26 (UTC)


It makes me so mad that Steven told me he was going to
call me right back and never did. I mean y didn't he just
say i'll call you 2moro or not say anything at all?
Instead he rather say "i'll call you right back baby I
love you" so of course I say it back knowing he isnt going
to call before he doesnt call :(. Im getting way pathetic.
I just wish I knew what he was doing. We're far away from
each other so he's probably messing with Kat and Amber.

I mean me and Kat havent talked since that fight we got
into and now she's pregnant so maybe she won't start
talking shit because I really dont want a charge over that
dumb bitch. I only met Amber once and she was pretty nice
and she doesnt seem anything like Kat. They are
deffinately 2 totally different people. But then again I
didn't think Kat was liek that when I first met her. I
know Steven is hanging out with Amber but he swears that
they are just friends and that they don't have sex. I
think they do because he took her to the beach and they
had sex but they didnt date. And right as we started
talking again he was telling Jessica how close he was to
dating Amber. I didn't care then because I didn't realize
I still had feelings for him.

Well Brittany what do you know??? hmmmm maybe you
should look and see that when you and Steven arent having
sex he's barely around but when you do fuck him he stays
around. Do you want to be another one of his little hoes?
Do you want to put yourself on Kat's level?? Hell no I
don't! I don't even want my name used in the same sentence
as hers. I don't know what im going to do! I don't want to
just stop talking to Steven and I do like having sex with
him but im not going to anymore. I can't risk gettting a
disease from him if he is sleeping with other people. I
know i've done some bad things in the past but I know im
clean now so why don't I stop before something bad really
does happen to me? I should. I will. I hope.

Jordan just texted me and told me he missed me. Yeah right
he doesnt want to talk to me unless we date so does that
sound like he misses me? No. He just wants some attention.
He always says he didn't get my text till whenever but we
both have verizon so I can see when he reads my texts. Why
does he lie? Steven doesnt even bother texting back half
the time. The only guy that really always texts me back
and calls me is Tommy but he's wayyyyy to clingy and too
old and too ugly. I've always dated ugly guys, well semi-
hot. I'm ready to date a sexy ass motherfucker. But then
what? Get my heart broken because he's cute enough to pull
all the girls? That would suck. I guess thats why I never
date hot guys to begin with. I always tell my boyfriends
that they're sexy but Josh wasn't and Robbie was for like
a week. I just liked him because he was strong. Didnt know
he was crazy. Wish someone would have told me and saved me
a year of my life. Well I did learn some good lessons so
im not complaining about it too much.

I still wish i wouldn't have messed with him. I would
still be pure. Nosmoking cigarettes and no drugs other
than weed. Now I do it all. Well I do pills, shrooms, and
rolls. Not everything but a roll is everything so
basically yeah I do everything. I always said I never
would and he ruined me so bad that I did. He never wanted
me to roll though. I don't really know why. Maybe he had a
little care or thought I would have a little too much fun.
No telling.

He was laying between Kat and Amber in the bed begging
them to fuck him while I was his girlfriend. I mean really
what kind of guy does that? It makes me feel like a bad
girlfriend but I know im not. I do the best for all my
boyfriends. I guess they really just want relations not
relationships. Just like the song says, Welcome to the
real world. It's so true too. I wish they're was no such
thing as sex and it wasnt possible to do. Then I could
truley find love. Maybe. I always give into guys when I
know I shouldnt. I just need to wake up and smell the
coffee. They should make stronger coffee so I wake up

Becca hasnt texted me back yet but I hope she
asked Slade because I do not want to see my best friend go
through the same shit again. Daniel was a piece and its
starting to sound like Slade is too. She had a dream about
eveything that happened and it happened so she probably
thinks eveything is going right. I hope she catches
herself before she falls to hard for him and makes another
mistake. I am not going to let her do that. She deserves
better just like I do.

Why are 2 smart, sweet girls like us in this condition????
We're smart but stupid at the same time. We let ourselves
have sex and it was all down hill from there. She got the
worst of it though. I can look at her and its a reminder.
I've never told anyone her secret and I won't even write
it. I swore to her but thats not why im not telling
anyone. I'm not because she is a true friend and I love
her as a friend and she's like family and you are always
there for family.

I only am 50% of the time though. I'm too worried about
parties and drugs and my favorite and least favorite at
the same time guys. I will learn but hopefully my lesson
won't hurt too bad. I say im going to stop when the time
is right but since I like it so much will I know when the
time is right? I don't know. I don't see me stopping
anytime soon. I wish there really was a boyfriend remote
so i could build and program a perfect match for me. Thats
never going to happen so I should just write that in the
wasted thoughts column of my notebook.

I need to straighten my hair. Steven and almost every
other guy likes my hair better straight. I do too. It
makes me pretty. Why not have curly hair and find a guy
that likes me all natural? I mean Jordan says he likes my
hair curly and it was curly when we started dating (for 4
days) but he did ask me to straighten it just so he could
see. Guys lie girls lie too. Is there even such a thing as
truth? I really don't know.

I'm glad the weekend is over and Abbi and Dave are going
to be going to work all week.I like it better here with
them gone. I don't feel like im walking on egg shells and
holding my breath. I can move freely and most importantly
smoke freely. I think Abbi knows I smoke. She probably
seen the smoke when she walked outside last night. She
didn't say anything but at this point I don't
even know if she would. I hope she left me a joint im
going to go check. Nope not today but I found her small
water bong and a case full of banana bars and pills. I
took a banana bar and a 2 hydros and some little yellow
pill that has a v on the back. I don't really know what it
is but im banking that I take it. I kinda want to save it
for when I go home so they don't know I took it. Abbi
probably won't even notice. Or maybe she will I don't
know. I don't care because I know when you get fucked up
you lose things but maybe she doesnt get all the way
fucked up. I don't know. Im going to hit this water bong
and sit around and wait on something exciting to happen.
So i'll be waiting all day lol greattttttt :/ i am happy
about the pills though so its all good :). Write next time
I think about writing. Monday August 9th 9:54am