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2010-08-05 10:05:59 (UTC)

self harm and suicidal thoughts...

ok well i can't explain why but sometimes i get really
down..normally over stupid things, last october my dad was
evicted from our old family house, after he was gone me,
my mum, matts mum and dad went to look one evening, well i
say evening it was only about 5 but it was really dark, my
mum didn't really want me going but i was determained to
go, to see the place where my most of my life had been
lived. it was disgusting, rotting food and rubbish in
every single room, we even thought rats could be living
there at one point, there was no heating or lighting so we
all went around with torches, but that wasn't the worse
part, it was the fact that he'd left my cat that i got on
my 6th birthday and that he promised me he'd look after
and he'd left her there to pretty much die, no food or
water. god she was so skinny and fragile...some time
within the next two weeks i found a compus and started
cutting my arm, only lightly at first, and then when no
one noticed i kept doing it deeper and deeper, i started
hating myself and didn't care what happened to me, i ran
out of space on my arms and decided to cut the tops of my
legs and sometimes my stomach...it was helping me cope,
made me feel in control somehow, then red cutes were
covering my body, people knew about it, including people
like p.e teachers ect. but no one told someone who might
have been able to help me, but i think one thing that hurt
the most was that my parents didn't notice i was doing it
until my mum was searching my room and came across a
knife, that day during my last lesson she dragged me out
of school, when i first saw her she shouted about the
knife...i was so scared, i didn't want her or anyone to
know, it was my secret that i then wanted to keep. we
argued for the drive home then picked up my brother and
sat in silence, when we got home i went straight to my
room and didn't come out until matt got home at half 5, 2
and a half hours i was on my own and not once did she
check on me. that whole time i was listening to music
while staring at a pair of scissors i had hidden. i wanted
to end my life right then, but if i tried and it didn't
work and i survived then they would think im just
completely selfish. they called me that sometimes and it
just really hurt me...everyones making me promise not to
but i just don't know how to cope when things get
difficult, i feel addicted to it and i hate myself for it.
even though scars cover my body i still do it even now,
but where no one can see...its almost as though by doing
this its keeping me sane..keeping me alive...even when i
want to be alive anymore...

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