Chris

My Social Turnaround
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2010-08-03 02:25:11 (UTC)

Day 2. No down time

No down time today. work started at 6 am and i didnt get out until 4. class
from 6-9:30 and in bed. How depressing.
Im really anxious to go back to school. Only a few more weeks. Who knows
how ill manage to stay away form drugs then though. Thats why Im starting
now.
I hate waking up in the am. The only thought in my head is "I cant wait till I
can come back to your warm soft comfort, bed". -Speaking of depressing.
I love the days when I wake up and immediately start singing, just happy to
be up and looking forward to something going on that day. That feeling like
when I was a kid on xmas and morning couldnt come soon enough. Its been
a long time since one of those.
I have no intentions about writing about my love life on this thing, or talking
about it at all for that matter. But at the class I was at tonight I saw
something that irritated me. One of the first days I was there a girl kept
looking over at me. Then during break she came up and started talking to
me. Like I said, im in this rut where I dont have any interest for girls besides
sex, and she wasnt all that attractive so I shrugged her off. Tonight she was
hitting it off with the biggest herb in the class. No, it wasnt jealousy. The fact
of the matter is, what if I was into this girl? What if she was the most perfect
girl for me in the entire world? Well, i didnt take my shot so she just moved
on to whatever else she could find. I know i know, its apart of life. But dont
tell me that "you cant live without him/her" or "she/he is perfect for you and
noone else will do". Because its all bullshit. Anyone in a relationship can
replace and be replaced. Spouses replace every day. If it isn't you, it will
inevitably be someone else. So whats special about it? Whats so special about
the fact that "Iv never felt like this about anyone before", like me and my x
used to say. Wake up, maybe you havnt but you can with a million other
people. True love is dead. My future wife might be having sex right now and
telling some dude how much she "loves" him.
On a more positive note these thought also got me thinking about my own
life. Hopefully all the disgusting things Iv done and seen are because of my
drinking and drug habits. How can I expect to get a classy girl if I dont act
classy at all and get all boozed up? I cant. Maybe ill stay sober and clean up
and find one. Remember though, not find "her", just find one of them.
Because again, its all bullshit. ha
It wasnt the best day, but I consider myself upbeat. It's nice. Im proud of
myself for going through with this. 2 days clean and counting!


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