Letters to Nancy
Ad 2:
2010-08-02 23:43:23 (UTC)


In the last 4 months i have lost 1 mom. 2 best friends, 1
boyfriend and I even lost myself.

Mom: My mom died April 4th 2010 some where beetween 1 am
and 8am. I found her cold as ice on her bed, no pulse, and
not breathing, at about 130pm. In the single second it
took to realise what was happening, my life turned up side
I sent the next few hours in lots of places, arms and
close friends and family, homes of friendly neighbors,
back of a cop car but, most of the time in my yard waiting
for them to cairie her out. And when they finally did, i
was out cold.
The next few days were spent running in circles planning
a funneral, and trying to finder out where our life would
go from there.
The Funneral was held April 8th at 1pm. That was second
hardest day of my life. Seeing her lay dead in a casket.
seeing her be placed in the ground. There are no words for

As time went on things got a little better. And worse. I
dream about mom every night. But the sweat dream full of i
missed yous and i loves you, but in the end, she always
dies right before my eyes. And everytime i wake up i would
cry my eyes out and puke my guts out.

Shai: When Shai ( my best friend) find out about just a
small bit of pain i was dealing with, im my friend ship
with her ended. We were on a missions trip and it was the
3rd night. Our group was haveing a insperisonal talk about
how the most the kids we were helping didnt have moms
because their moms left them. And how hard it was for
those kids to grow without a mom. The walls i built to
hold of all emiotion broke then. I cryed and cryed.
Everyone tryed to confort me.. all but shai. and when she
did talk to me, I was told right then and there that its
all in my head, and i need to stop making people take
pitty on me because of my mom. Those words cutt me. My own
best friend thinks im ether going crazy or useing my
sistuation for pitty. Needless to say the great times we
had are over.

Jon Spangler: Even though Jon was my ex, he was still one
of the closest friends i ever had. he conferted me when i
needed him to, went out of his way to come see me. but
most of all he acted like he really cared. He lised when i
talked about my pain, conferted me. he made it easy to
talk to him about any thing.. and in all honesty i sorta
liked him. ( i was still maddly in love with my other ex,
Randy but at this point he wasnt here with me holding me
and truely helping me.) the last time he ever came other,
i was crying and really upset. he held me and outta no
where kissed me. The kiss lead to more and more until we
almost made love. Of course i wasnt ready for that and
stoped him. But when he left after that he refussed to
talk to me. Finally i learned what was really going on. He
was useing my weeknesses to get luckly. He never really
cared. It was all an acted to get laid. He didnt care. he
never cared. Not once. I was being used. that hurt so much
i dont think i can ever love agian. never truely trust
Randy: Me losing Randy had (almost) nothing to do with
him, but me. We started dating for the 3rd time just a
week after the spangler thing. I thought that Randy was
the true love of my life we had so much in common and i
liked who i was with him. But at the same time, every time
i talked to him, it remined me about how my mom would talk
to him on facebook, and how she would talk with me about
Randy. I bet my mom loved him almost as much as i did. So
on bad days, i refussed to talk to him. I refused to tell
him when i was in pain cos i figgered he would ether yell
at me like Shai or use me like Jon. Yes i love him. But
with the memories i hold and the pain i still feel, i know
i cant work. at least not now. My hope is him and his slut
gf will break up in a year or so i can go back to the arms
i love. But for now, i have my own pain to work with. My
own dreams to chase and my own life to put together. By
myself. Maybe someday someone truly speacil will help me
with out shattering it. and maybe not...

Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be
insignificant, but it's very important that you do it
because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into
your life and half of you says: "You're nowhere near
ready". And the other half says: "Make them yours

Dear mom,
Matt asked me what I would say if I knew you could hear
me. I said I do know: I love you. God, I miss you. And I
forgive you. You once told me, our fingerprints don't
from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is
it just poetic bullshit?