Heartkiller

My mind
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2010-07-30 18:22:49 (UTC)

Lost

Here i am trying this whole online thing... um-mm weird...
not use to having things where everyone can read it...
anyways.. the whole reason im writing is cause so many
thoughts are going though my mind.. and i have no one to
talk to.. so im writing... what i do best... lol..

why is it no one can understand that yes being with my ex
caused me a lot of problems and i wanted out of it for so
long.. but i stayed cause i didn't have no where to go... i
get myself in things i want out of and don't no how to get
out of it... i have no family any where near me.. no people
i can call true friends that are welling to help me out..
and the ones who do.. its not the best of things... but
anyways... back to what i was saying... people hold things
against me cause of my ex.. but what was i spouse to do?? i
got out of my marriage ran to the first guy that would take
me cause i didn't have faith in myself.. and in the long
run.. got fucked.. lost everything i had.. had to move out
of state.. and by the way that didn't help, things just got
worse.. ended up homeless after all... finally had enough of
the bs.. after 2 and half years of dealing with it.. all
cause i didn't have anywhere to go and no family around.. i
came back home.. and now i still get it used against me..
yes i messed up leaving my child for 6 months.. but what did
they want me to do.. take her out of school?? i thought i
was doing the right thing.. but i guess i didn't... im
trying to learn things as i go.. i don't have the help i
would like or someone telling me "hey that is a great ideal"
or anything like that.. i don't have family that i can turn
to.. or family that really taught me the real world... they
only thing they really taught me about life was to run hard
and fast and far from my problems..
Finally for once in my life im trying to do the right
thing.. going to school to be a ma.. trying to get my life
straight.. and so forth... but its hard... it really is..
And on top of everything else im dealing with.. my ex
husband is trying ot take my baby out of state to live.. and
im fighting for once in my life not to let my kid go.. and
for that im wrong.. by other people.. but what is so wrong
not wanting my baby away from me anymore??? i already have 2
of them away from me that i miss so much everyday and hurt
cause they aren't near me.. and now ppl want me to just let
my baby go.. im sorry i cant do it.. they all can kiss my
ass and go to hell... cause i will fight tell the day i
die.. i no what i want in my life and that is my kids.. and
now im feel like im finally strong enough to fight.. and im
going to...


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