My Truth
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2010-07-27 15:15:35 (UTC)

Real Quick

Thought maybe I should write real quick before I head off
to work.....Oh the sadness of working, especially when its
for bills and not for fulfillment. Still feeling a tad bit
cloudy, but I'vve come to the realization that no matter
what I have to change for me. My insecurities can only be
fixed by me....No matter how hard I look for him to help.
I want to make a promise to myself, that from here on out,
Im taking care of more putting anyone first.
Because if I can't love myself than how am I trying to
love someone else. I read this quote last night and it
really made question myself."Never make someone your
priority when you're just their option!" I thought that to
be (excuse my french) real shit. I dont want to make that
my motto but it's very true. Trying to change your whole
life around in order for someone to feel secure is hell
and trust Ive done it and am doing it now. I can't get mad
as to why I am no long his priority. I know why, but I can
get mad if he lies and says that I am when Im not. I just
want my best friend back. I just want to be happpy. But
when these words come to mind, my heart chokes and tears
flow down my face. I don't want to have another Lamar
situation. I was there thinking that he only loved me,
even after seeing him in the bed with her, her calling my
phone. I still beleived him in saying they were just
friends. Now maybe thats my dumbness or maybe love was
truly just blind. And now with him, I try to not let this
happen. I snoop, read, pry, smother, but its just for me
to make sure he's not doing anything. I understand that
theres no angels on earth. And we all make mistakes, but
will he ever be able to tell me something that he knows
may truly hurt me. i know he loves me because when I cry
he does, for his own reasons unknown to me...........I
just want him to come to terms with himself. Either he
wants me or he wants to still live and explore life and
females. If he would just be upfront I can live with that
I think........I mean what choice would I have, you can't
force someone to be with you................


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