metallica456

My Life
2010-07-27 06:05:01 (UTC)

What I'm feeling.. in the best way I can describe it.

I show, only what I want to show..
I say, only what I choose to say..
And you see, only what you choose to believe..

There is so much behind this smile; behind these laughs.
I'm the person everyone loves and that's not a cocky
thing
to say, depending on who's saying it. I'm friends with
preps, nerds, jocks, goths, skaters..everyone practicly.
I've always been that friend that all of the parents
love.
What can I say? I can sure as hell be a suck up, when I
wanna be. Or, I guess I just put on this act. For
differant people, I give them what they want to see-the
adults anyway-others, not so much. I'm more myself around
people at school though. People my age. I don't know why
I
do it though. It's not something one can really describe,
to be honost.

I used to be a prep.. but I'm tired of being that. I know
that I'm still in the process of discovering who I am,
but
I know for sure that a prep is not me. I'm tired of the
bitches who are my "friends". I'm fed up with their
drama!
And I'm sick of having that title.. "Preppy" ugh,
honostly, it makes me sick just writing it. No, not all
preps are like that.. but a majority is. My best friend
actually is a prep, so don't go off saying I'm some cold
hearted bitch. Cause I'm not. I'm just speaking the
truth;
from what I've been through..

So what I've decided, is to change up my style a little
bit.. I'm going with more black, blue, and darker colors.
No, I'm not going goth.. but I have decided to show on
the
outside more of what my inside is, I think. A step closer
to finding out who I am, I believe. I can't exactly tell
you who that is though.. since I truly don't know. All I
know is that my favorite band is Metallica, I love hard
rock and metal music, and I love my boyfriend more than
anything I've ever loved before.. for right now anyhow.

I am kinda young, and I know I have a lot more coming..but
the fact that everything is coming so early: my first
love, these new confused emotions, and this anger built up
inside of me. I knew it was coming, from what my mom and
other adults have told me, but I didn't expect it to come
so early, and so sudden too. It's like being in the
ocean,
and you are distracted with something, and you know
eventually that a wave is gonna come, cause obviously,
you're in the ocean. But you arn't prepared for it at
that
moment, and it hits you randomly, and you're sucked
under.
That's what this is like. And love.. I've never
experinced
that before. I've experinced strong emotions for a guy..
but nothing like this! This all too new emotion is
overwhelming and like a rollar coaster ride. It's
something.. I stutter over. It's something indescribable.
The best part? Feeling like everything is in place when
you are with that person. Feeling something, that you
really wish you could describe...but you can't. Wanting
that person..both physicaly, and emotionaly. Looking at
him, and knowing for once in a long time that you have
something to look forward too. Knowing that when you're
sad, or pisssed off, you just need to hear that one voice
that will make everything all better. Looking at his
smile, and that one little thing makes your day. Kissing
and hugging that person, and not ever wanting to let go,
or stop. Wanting him, and only him. And so much more, that
I cannot describe. And the worst part? Not knowing if you
are truly loved back. Feeling like you arn't important
enough to be remembered to be given a call. Not knowing
for sure if you are the only one he has feelings for. Not
knowing if he feels as strongly as you do. Feeling like
you can't tell that person those feelings, because
you're
scared of what their reaction is gonna be. Ya know, I'm
very mad at myself for letting myself get so attached.
I've gotten so attached, that if it ends, I don't know
what the after effect is gonna be. He's already
everything
I think about. I'm away from him for two months this
summer, and I miss him so much, that everything I see
reminds me of him.. it's really weird and maddening. I
mean, I know that I'm gonna be so heart broken.. I know
that if it ends, I'm sure as hell ain't gonna be the one
ending it. If anything, it'll be him. *sigh* But i don't
wanna think about that.. but now I see what people mean
when they say that the first love is always the best, and
yet always the hardest.

I honostly, just don't know about anything anymore.




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