My Truth
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2010-07-27 03:33:34 (UTC)

Something from the past

I sit here because sometimes it's better to write than to
hold it in. I feel like im trapped in a bottle that is
about to topple over. I write because my feelings are
entangled in a web that can't be undone. To love someone
who may not love me the same. Even as much as it hurt I
know it's truly my fault. I can't make up for the past but
I can for my mistakes. This is something he may never see,
and for that I might be losing him everyday that goes by.
Im insecure, and feel out of his league. But for 3 years
I've been holding on. With everything Ive been though I
deserve to be with him. He's my heart so, how can I live
without my heart? I don't know whats going on with us but
I dont mean to pry in though his things but its almost
like i can feel it sometimes, and sometimes i can feel
things. These feelings have never steered me wrong, and
Ive always doubted why he would even consider me.
I cant seem to thing that he would even consider to think
or betray me, but then the same ole stereotypes POP into
my mine "He's a man, and all men cheat!"...... Would I be
oblivious to think "Not mine!" I feel that way, but
sometimes things come and blur my vision. And I have
flashbacks, flashbacks to the horrible days of loneliness,
of crying myself to sleep, or of thinking your the
ultimate in someone life and sadly to realize that you're
inferior to all. I love him, so the messages don't bother
me. Yes I wonder "Why would you tell another women she
should come sleep with you?" There is no irony in this
situation in that being that it happened twice. So either
its me or you. Either I can't satisfy you, is it because
Im not actually what you want? ( The fact that our skin
tones don't match?) You just can't be with someone in a
longterm relationship without seeing if you can still try
and pull females. Or either you just don;t want to get
serious with me. What ever it is, I love you and I will
try til theres nothing left in me to make us work. With
all my being I swear I will try. I just nned him to meet
me halfway and if he doesn't is that the sign that he
doesnt want to continue? could this be the end to my
beautiful dream? I mean ever relationship has its ups and
downs but thats usually what makes them stronger whether
it be friends, siblings, or husband and wife. Am I crazy?
I dont think I am. But I know madness can occur if I dont
fully understand. It feels like Im failing
down ................Im confused and I dont want to be
hurt again, and thats why Im so high strung over him. My
mother always said "when you're looking for dirt u'll find
it. But even through you're looking doesn't mean there
should be something for you to find, right? I dont want to
give him space because if I do that than he might think
that I dont care go off, but I dont want to smother
either........All i can do is follow his lead on our path
of building one anothers future. Hopefully we'll still be
together in order to see the project complete.........


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