- s o u l

music's innovations .
2010-07-21 08:45:29 (UTC)

hot mess !

"you've been hypnotized. the city's your playground."

well well well.. today was the one of many days of my
bipolar issues. i felt like shit this morning. i wanted to
be left alone. so what did i do? crawl in a corner (my poor,
shared, messy closet), blasted my music, and sat there, in
the fetal position.

at one point, i thought i was gonna start crying. don't ask
me why, because i don't know. but then i drifted to sleep..
or i was trying to, but never attempted. i was pretending to
be asleep, because my annoying siblings kept poking through
the door, though. 'which is all cool, because they went away
anyways.

and now, here they are again, loud as ever, expecting me to
pay attention.. what should i do? politely tell them to
leave? use hand motions? hell naw, they ain't gonna do it
even if you beg. you have to use assertion with these
people. all i want is to be alone! what point of that don't
they understand? whenever they need their days of silence,
they get it! why can't i? i hate them.

anyway, i then got better durning the end of the day. i went
from feeling like shit to feeling like the thing that
actually made the shit. ha, yeah, that's how life works.

but, i felt like shit in the beginning because i felt like i
rushed myself through this relationship that i'm in now.
then i just realized.. i play people. not intentionally, NO.
i just "lead them on" in a way to make them think that they
like me. how i do this, i have no idea. and apparently of
some of my guy friends, i'm a big flirt. huh.. i had no
idea.. well, you learn new things everyday, right?

SO, i guess i'll just keep that little flirt meter down.. if
i could figure out its origination. whatever. anyway, i
decided that i didn't really rush myself into this
relationship. i'm just scared of things that could effect
this relationship. society, the earth tumbling, my parents,
my grades, my heart.. well, maybe i was being too dramatic
on the earth ending, but still. it's POSSIBLE!

i still haven't seen him yet. but like i said before, i
don't care what he looks or sounds like. god, i sound like
some careless meg cabot character. but hey! it's all good in
the 'hood.. i just hope he likes me back.

and speaking of 'hoods, i hate it here. i rather live in my
own little wet box somewhere in downtown atlanta. i'll
become a hobo, for god's sake. -my sister is one of those
poor, stupid teens that thinks if she just does something,
the result is suppose to come out great. *laughs
hysterically* really? come on, people. have you ever heard
of reasoning? like "if you practice more you'll get better"
or "study and you'll pass"? no, not my sister.

well, i'm not gonna blurt things out (which i've been doing
this whole time), but she got a low SAT score and the lowest
score on her advanced placement tests.. she's been going out
everyday, i never seen her open a book, and she just expects
to get a high score? can you even get into college without
taking that? tsk tsk tsk..

but it's whatever. it's not my fault i sleep on the floor
and i don't go to sleep till three a.m. everyday.. well,
maybe it is, but i can't find a solution. i'm gonna have to
force a solution by the time school starts.. which is in two
glorious weeks, might i add. woo (notice the sarcasm).

and i haven't gone school shopping. and don't you think that
if i need to get out of this shy shell i have, that i could
use contacts? i've been wearing glasses since the fourth
grade. 'no wonder my social life has driven downwards. but
my mum's all like, "no, sweetie. i need for the insurance to
kick in." i asked her how long that would take, and she
doesn't even know. got dammit, school starts in two weeks!
how long can that take?

sigh, i'm not gonna complain anymore.. i'll just ask my dad
tomorrow. and remember that little monologue i typed? i
already written it down, just in case he asks about my new
boyfriend of which i haven't seen yet. i feel confident now!
yes! and so, with all this shit i got going on AND it's over
ninety degrees outside, i could precisely say that i'm a hot
mess.

[ Hot Mess - BY: Cobra Starship ]




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