Accepting My Fate
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2010-07-19 20:15:23 (UTC)

Needing Validation

I thought that if I tried harder, that if I gave you more
of what you want that I would get more of what I want. I
thought that if I played the role of the perfect
mate...took care of the kids, cleaned house, helped
financially, and took care of you that you would take care
of me. I'm finding out that when it comes to my feelings
they just aren't valid unless you agree with them. My
feelings are blamed on me or my bipolar disorder. They do
not matter to you. They are pushed aside leaving me
feeling alone, insecure, empty, and most of all
resentful. Then you show me some list that you've written
of things to know about life..saying you want to give it
to the kids some day. Well I have one thing you can ad to
your list! Practice what you preach or else you'll make
yourself look or sound like a hypocrite. You said in your
long list to treat other people's feelings as if they were
your own. Is that what you do? Really? Is that what you
did this morning when I tried to tell you about something
that was bothering me? raised your voice and
asked me if I wanted to fight and said that you lost your
appetite. It bothers me that you do not come to bed with
me at night and instead stay up watching pornography. It
makes me feel like I am not attractive enough for you. It
makes me feel unimportant. You also said in your list to
accept criticism...that it may be a window to the new
you. You never accept appear to be stuck
in your ways no matter how wrong you may be. You mention
to never trust anyone a hundred percent. It's because you
give no trust to others that you have no one who is really
close to you. You say to keep $20. hidden away for
emergencies. As soon as you have an extra $20. it is
gone..usually spent on beer or liquor. You say to never
turn your back on your family yet you have to siblings
whom you never speak to. You say to not be shy to people
or adventures. What was the last spontaneous or
adventurous thing you did? You preach to others about
learning from their mistakes but do you? The list goes
on. I am so angry with you I can't hardly stand to be
near you. I am so tired of always being wrong in your
eyes. I'm tired of being in a relationship that lacks
intimacy. I'm tired of feeling like I have to keep
everything I think bottled up inside because if I speak on
it it will not matter to you anyway. I need to know that
you care. I need to know that you acknowledge your
imperfections. I need an apology for your continually
hurting me. I need validation.

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