blueyedjess

My Crazy Life
2010-07-18 01:01:32 (UTC)

u failed me

Well im back!! So yeah yesterday is what I would call a
wastefull day. I was so angry with my fiance. He embarresed
me in front of my dad and then as soon as we got into the
car i told him I was embarrassed and he didnt care. Then we
get home and hes calling me crazy and asks for the
engagement ring back and I say no. I made that mistake a
long time ago. But whatever its a ring. Later today we were
comming back frm dinner with my parents and I took the ring
and said I do not want it. Not untill hes sure he wants me
as his wife and is going to stick up 4 me. His mom told him
not to give it to me..that hurt alot. His family and I dont
get along well. our views clash. I think all the times i
have ever been over their something alwasy makes meupset. I
feel like the outkast now because last time i found child
porn on his brothers computer. I confronted his brothers
wife and she was offended and said oh my husbancd would
never do that! RIGHT! I just dont like them...and when my
fiance wants 2 go over their its like why? they have so many
problems. i dont care 4 that environment. family is a big
thing 4 me...i always saw me getting married and have a
great relationship with my inlaws...but who was i kidding.
i guess my mom is lucky bc my gma is a wonderfull person.
But if I looKinto the future I see alot of issues. I will
never take my kids over their. Im just really confused. i
wonder if i stay with my fiance how long it will last.
something always go wrong we get into an arguement and its
over with. I love him but i dont feel loved by him. we have
no romance just stress. i count down the months untill we
have sex...sometimes its 3--4. and it irritates me when he
makes comments about other women he sees and makes a sexual
remark..like oh their boobs look good. its like what about
me here? u never kiss me anymore or have sex with me. i feel
like were roomates. we sleep seperately lately and i jsut go
into my bedroom and he goes 2 his. how do i even think this
is going to wrk out? ik popeople say fight for what u love.
but i feel tired and embarrassed of him. i resent him for
all the hurtfull things he said. i have become this cold
overweight person who feels like they want to die. yesterday
he said he was going to call the cops on me. i dont
understand how someone can threaten a person they supposably
love? the most hurtfull thing is when he said he was going
to call the police and tell them i was mentally insane bc he
is an EMT and he knows what to tell them to belive it. If I
had a daughter I would tell her to get out. my mom tells me
i need to come home. i feel emotionally abuse by his hurt
words but its so hard to leave. my self-esteem has gone to
shit. its just ridioulous. i shouldnt even be in this
situation..i dont know whats making me stay with him.