trainunderwater

First Day of My Life
Ad 2:
2010-07-17 06:51:03 (UTC)

How delirious can I get?

oh...a diary, that's cool, a way to rid myself of the
vulgar feelings I keep throughout the day. Where to start
though, there are so many things that have built up in my
mind. Maybe I'll just talk about how my lack of self-
esteem has led me to become a cynical loser. Oh right, and
this apparent "clinical depression" my family has accused
me of. I don't know if it's just me, but I think it's
pretty normal for a person to be sad sometimes, but what
can you do, the minute I say something about not feeling
too well, they freak.
You see, it may appear that I'm some suicidal child, but i
have never wanted to kill myself. I would never waste my
life like that. I am just curious of the feeling that a
person feels when they die. A sense of freedom? If I
jumped off a building and lived, I could see the world
differently. I would have the thrill of leaving all my
troubles behind, but as I think I'm reaching my grand
conclusion, the regrets would slowly creep upon me,
wouldn't they? Then at that point I would be like
SHITTT!!!, what am I doing!! If I died I would never see
my family again, who I love so much. The "friends" that
left me because I wasn't interesting enough for them (go
science bowl!!!) wouldn't ever see me become a better
person without them, and I could never have a family of my
own. Then when I live from my failed attempt to die, I
would appreciate what I have waiting for me, and that
would be such a great feeling. Right now, I try to
appreciate what I have because I know that I have so much,
but right now I feel like I have nothing. I'm lonely, and
jealous of everyone in my family. The potential that I
want to have has yet to be discovered, but maybe later. It
just seems like such a dark life, but I don't want it. I
don't want to feel tired anymore, but it's so hard. I want
to be better because seeing my parents look at me with
those sad eyes tear me apart.
Another thing I will never understand is why people are so
horrible, including me. There are no honest feelings, and
the only thing that seems to matter to anyone these days
are opinions. It's always what will they think, not what
will I think. It is a difficult norm to destroy. It is so
easy to judge, yet so difficult to understand.
I have never been a well-known person. I am the typical
nerd who loves the friends that haven't left her. I know
the friends who have stayed with me even though I have
quirky interest are real friends, who have a very kind
heart.
well...I would like to end on a good note, so good night,
and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and have an amazing
epiphany about why I'm acting the way I am.


Ad:2