for the first time i am writing a journal entry right after
the cause of that journal entry happened. the anal attorney
in me normally likes to analysis, re-evaluate, and then
structure any situation into a cohesive flow before i put my
thoughts down on paper. but not right now. i am reeling.
rumors, as colonel lander in inglorious basterds says, are
fun. facts, we don't know about, but rumors, there's always
truth to rumors. i love rumors.
well. i decided to go to a happy hour for the company that
i currently do contract attorney work for. contract
attorney work is essentially a "work for hire" business.
normally large companies have more work than their general
counsel can keep up with so sometimes they hire contract
attorneys to fill in for certain projects.
i'd been working for this comany as a legal intern and when
one of the attorneys went on maternity leave i was asked if
i wanted to contract for the duration of her leave. after
that they signed me up for about 15 hrs a week for random
projects or so.
it was all well and good. i loved, absolutely loved the
work. of course i had my own law firm on the side but this
contract attorney work was what i really loved. and you
know what? maybe if one of the attorneys retired or moved
on, hopefully i would be the first in their cross-hairs for
a new hire.
so there i was at happy hour. with the new crop of legal
interns and our shipping coordinator. our shipping
coordinator is a hell of a guy. he's always the guy who has
the latest rumors or gossip. so we're chatting and drinking
and after a few he let's out, "so did you hear that they
were planning on hiring tyson as a junior attorney?"
that was the equivalent of a verbal "get the wind knocked
out of me" situation. i literally coudlnt' breathe for a
moment. to put the above (which probalby doesn't sound too
offensive to the normal ear) in perspective, allow me to
tyson started after i did and we worked as legal interns
together for a while. he just left in may to take the bar.
i reviewed some of his work as a contract attorney. he's a
graet guy and everything and i think pretty bright.
but. to hear that they were planning on hiring him (or
maybe may ahve already made the offer!) as a junior attorney
was the biggest blow i think i've received since i found out
that my law review article was never received. i've had a
few stomach punches in my life but this has been a big one.
but here's the kicker. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THERE'S REALLY
ANY TRUTH TO THE RUMOR!!! the guy saying it has all sorts of
rumors. but as colonel lander so aptly puts it, there's
always some truth to any rumor. and i believe it. i don't
know why, and i probably shouldn't but i believe it 110%.
but i dont know if it's truly true. and who do i go to to
see if it is? the rumor starter quickly and i mean really
quickly clammed up after he said it. he saw my face and
punched himself in the testicles mentally after having said
it and quickly changed the topic. i tried to get a bit more
out but clearly saw he was really uncomfortable already.
so here i sit. at first i had insane notions of confronting
everyone, tyson, the other attorneys jsut to get an answer.
but now i don't know. i mean shit i DEFINITELY can't/won't
contact tyson. first of all he's a stand-up guy and i have
nothing against him. second of all, what if it's NOT true?
how awkward and horrible would that be?
the other people are the attorneys i work for. i still love
my job and everything and i KKNOW that shit will be awkward
if i ask them. plus how do you bring that up?
and then of course if i do that i know i would HAVE to go
into the follow-up question...why not me?
the answer to that could be the one that i could begrudingly
accept (but don't want to hear) that they thought my firm
was going so well and that i was so dedicated to it that i
couldn't take this offer. it is a reason i got for this
other corporate job i interviewed for. it's a hurtful
explanation and i hate it. all i hear is that I AM BEING
PENALIZED FOR NOT SITTING ON MY ASS ALL THESE MONTHS BUT
STARTING MY OWN FIRM.
yeah my firm is going well but FUCK!!!! serously? the hcance
to work in house for a major coproation? who WOULDN'T take
okay i have to not think of that right now.
the second reason is much simpler but a bit harsher: he was
just a better candidate. for some reason, i think i can
take that more. it's may be more direclty hurtful but at
least i don't feel like i'm being penalized.
jesus christ. my head is spinning. i don't know what to do.
i can't stop thinking about it and i don't even know if
it's FUCKING TRUE! it may not be. but i feel it is.
and taht's all that really matters.
i hate being a whiny bitch but seriously. fucking
seriously? this is going to happen after all the fucking
hard wokr i put into this job? in a vain hope that htey
would look to me first for a hire?
did i talk myself out of the job when i told them how happy
iw as that my firm was gong well? FUCK!
fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. sometimes life just sucks.
and to top it off i came home to two thick envelopes from
the student loans department...one for me and one for juliann.
what a great fucking life.