Sasume Sasaki

Letters to My Muse
2010-07-16 05:56:33 (UTC)

Friday, July 16, 2010, 1:33AM.

Dear Muse,
Shinu's birthday is coming up. Only four more days,
and she'll be 15. I still haven't decided what to get
her... she really is an interesting little girl. She's so
vibrant and enthusiastic in everything she does, including
in her arguments with me. I hate arguing with her, Muse.
It seems every fight we have can be linked back to an
insecurity I have that she unintentionally irritated. I
try so hard not to let the little things bother me when it
comes to her. I know she only means well, but I sometimes
can't help myself. It bothers me when we fight, not so
much for the content of the argument as much as that each
one was caused by my inability to let things go. I need to
work on that.
Today, for example. He invited me to move in with
them, and I only suggested the idea to her. She didn't
like it. She said I shouldn't trust people so easily, and
I could have just let it go. She's always defensive over
me. But instead, I chose to let it bother me. I knew she
wasn't trying to critisize me or control my actions or
social group, but I still accused her of doing so. Why
would I say that, Muse? Is it because I was really as
unsure of the action as she was, and didn't want to admit
it? I don't understand.
Speaking of Bill, he did invite me to move in with him
and a handful of his friends. He said he wanted me to be
one of the roommates. Honestly, I would love to do so. I
don't care about any unimportant risks involved. I would
love to be with him. But, he also said that there was a
chance his new burden would join us. I couldn't do that. I
have such a bad feeling about her, Muse. He keeps standing
up for her but I don't want to hear the excuses he has to
talk to her. My jealousy and my want to protect him is
keeping me from listening to his reasoning. I suppose it
is selfish of me, isn't it? I say that she is controlling
him by trying to convince him to stop talking to certain
people, but aren't I doing the same thing? I get angry
with him for continuing to communicate with her and the
obsessive one, but isn't that just as bad as what they do
to him? I don't know what to do, Muse.
I don't want him to think I'm as bad as they are. I
don't want him to think I'm a liar, or that I'm
controlling, or that I'm totally batshit insane. The truth
is I feel responsable for everything that happened between
us.
What am I saying...? I need to let things go... I'm
being overdramatic...
I do have good news, Muse. MetroCon is fast
approaching. It will be here in seven days now. I can't
wait. The only problem is that my cosplay hasn't arrived
yet... I hope that Metro can take my mind off of these
petty issues I have now.
Love, Sasume.




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