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2010-07-15 21:19:22 (UTC)

A Day Best Forgotton!

It’s coming up to 10pm and I feel like shit! I have had a
really bad day today! I don’t know why things have
happened like this but I guess I make my own choices so I
am to blame for anything negative that transpires! I
thought I was doing really well! I was accepted as a
volunteer at Computer Aid International and today I threw
it all away!

I attended two sessions I think and today was to be my
third session! As usual I became uncomfortable and I came
to the decision that I was not going in today and I even
addressed an email to the manager stating that I would no
longer be able to volunteer for Computer Aid. I left the
email this morning and I have checked my email this
evening and he has not responded! He probably thinks I’m a
waste of space! Anyway, that is over and yes I do have
some regrets but there’s no turning back now. Instead of
going into Computer Aid today I decided to use my pass on
my oyster card and I paid a visit to the East Finchley
Cemetery, I thought my dad was buried here but realised
that it was probably the other cemetery, the St Pancras
Cemetery that he’s actually buried. My mind was running
over time and I was becoming quite stressed. I paid a
visit to the Willow Tree Garden in the cemetery and this
is where I met John initially, it certainly brought back
some happy memories.

Anyway, there I sat on a wooden bench and there was no one
about and I was enjoying the sound of the wind in the
trees and there was a gale blowing at times. I wanted to
read my book in peace and I closed my eyes and tried to
focus on nothing but the noise and sounds around me. It
was something I’ve not done in a long time and I needed
this escape today. The journey to and from the cemetery
was very nice and I saw different people sitting on the
bus! It’s nice to just look at people from time to time,
as long as you don’t stare I guess!

Anyway, I have been feeling tired and lethargic all day
and I guess I’m starting to feel quite low in terms of
mood, I hope that depression is not grabbing a foothold!
So, this is where I’m at! I have to forget about things
and try and move on. What is moving on? I don’t know! My
thoughts are in turmoil! I am the way I am! I don’t
communicate well with others! Oh, I’m a good communicator
in terms of having a good command of the English language
but it seems that I am reluctant to initiate conversations
with other people, total strangers! This is where I lose
out I guess! I’m sure other people do not consider me
approachable! I am but I probably seem cold on the
exterior! I’m just an empty sack of skin and bones, no
real substance, just living from day to day dreaming my
life away, dreaming the impossible!

God, I hope there’s someone in the big, wide Universe that
is watching and actually realises that I’m writing my
thoughts in this journal. I don’t like to think that I am
totally alone in this Universe! I like to think that I
have some kind of guardian angel by my side, this gives me
some kind of comfort and eases my mind! All I have in my
life right now is my cycling and my books and my computer
and of course, there’s John as well! I’m feeling very
tired! I just want to lay my head down and not wake up
come morning! This is a dream that I would happily welcome
with open arms!