Sera L Rose

Thought and Faith
2010-07-15 07:33:46 (UTC)

Scared

I'm scared....I'm scared of opening my heart again....

I talked to Kota on webcam tonight.....she was so sweet and
beautiful...all I wanted was to kiss her...to be with her
and love her....but I'm scared.

I don't get over hurt easily, I've probably said that a
hundred times....the only way I've ever been able to move
past it is to forget it ever happened, and ignore the
feelings....but I can't do that with this. I believe her
when she says she won't cheat again. She said she won't see
him again and that surprised and sort of saddened me...he
was a good friend of hers. At the beginning of the summer,
she talked about him a lot...how much she valued his
friendship...granted, I don't like him. I mean, how could I
like a guy that was the other half of
that...erm...situation? But he was her friend, and part of
me doesn't want her to give up something important because
of me...

I guess it'll just take time, and a lot of love and
affection and support, to coax me back out of my
shell.....even before all of this, I felt...I dunno, kind of
like a plant denied water or sun. I need affection and
romance and such...not big things all the time, but just
being told I'm beautiful and other compliments....without
having to be asked....and shes been doing that. It makes me
feel horrible though because I lov her for who she is...and
I feel like I'm forcing her to change and that makes me
disgusted with myself. That among other reasons for self
disgust.

I guess part of my reservation is a feeling of disgust with
myself....and a fear of falling deeper in love....I pulled
away when we started fighting...the first time she talked
about breaking up I thought I was going to throw up I got so
upset and I cried for three days....I shy away from pain
like that...

But I've been smiling for the first time in awhile....I
don't know what to do...I'm scared of being hurt again, I'm
scared of letting her completely in...I've never done that,
I don't know how. I've always protected me....and I have a
hard time knowing how to be strong and weak at the same
time....how to be sure that I wont get my heart broken....I
love her but...what if she doesn't love me?

She smiles at me and I know she wants me....sometimes I want
her to hold my cheek, look me in the eyes and tell me....let
me feel what shes feeling....empathy is my most powerful
curse...she doesn't send out many vibes (except when shes
depressed or upset....which is why its hard for me to be
happy when she's not...)...and those are pretty important
vibes I think....

I'm just disgusted with myself....I'm a weak horrible
person....I still struggle with demons that should be long
dead....I still can't go in certain sections of the
pharmacy, and I saw something on a necklace in hot topic
that made my arms hurt and I had to leave...its
pathetic...she deserves better....

I guess her cheating hurt not because I felt betrayed, I
mean that was fairly minor, but because it was like....like
reaffirming everything I thought about myself.

I mean, I know I'm a horrible girlfriend, I've always known
that. I don't do anything right I think...I'm always hurting
her, and demanding to much and just generally being a bitch.
I whine and complain...I'm weak and selfish and
shallow...I'm smart, but what does that matter? I do things
for attention, which is the most pathetic thing of all...I
fish for compliments...God I'm horrible. I know it, and I
try to fix it...but it just makes me angrier at myself
because I don't want to change even though I know I
should...I just...god I don't know how she can stand me....

I guess it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.




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