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2010-07-15 06:48:23 (UTC)


I'm not really sure what's going on with my family anymore.
At one point in my life I remember us all getting along.
Now it's like someone is always mad at someone else. My dad
has been sleeping on the sofa for...probably a year now. My
mother claims that she didn't kick him out and doesn't know
why he sleeps there. Some how I am not convinced. They
fight all the time and it's usually about the stupidest
things. My dad seems to think that no matter what he does
my mom is going to yell at him. I don't know why he thinks
that... I think that he is cheating on her with the crazy
lady that makes me sick. I mean she is nothing like my
mother and she just wants attention because her husband is
an a hole. Well she shouldn't have married the guy and had
a kid with him in the first place but whatever. I just wish
my parents would try and fix things. It seems like they
just continue to drift further and further apart. My dad
refuses to go with my mom to church now. That is really
unsettling. Not to mention his new found hobby... Lying and
stealing from one of his children.... Not me but it just
bugs me that he thinks it's okay to do...

My boyfriend... I really love him but sometime I just
wonder if I am just settling... He is a great guy and I
assure him a lot that I am not going to dump him and
wouldn't consider it but somehow I seem to have this
feeling that maybe we aren't meant for each other. He isn't
perfect and I know that no one is. I just wonder if we get
married if I am going to be that bride who is happy and
glowing. Because sometimes I feel like I'd be marrying him
because it is just the next logical step in our
relationship. I don't believe that divorce is okay to do
(there are a few exceptions to this rule), so if i marry
him it would be for life. I just don't want to get married
because it is the next logical step. I want to get married
because I want to get married and have a family, have
someone to come home to, and someone to just be there for
me. I know that he would do all these things, but I wonder
if I would be happy. I heard something last week "If you
have to question yourself about it, the answer is no." This
is true to a lot of things but I don't know if I want it to
be true because I don't want to break up with him, I just
don't know if I want to marry him. It could be that I am
just not ready to get married...

I leave for university on Aug. 19. I am worried about ti
because I have never lived away from home and never had a
roommate besides my sister (and that wasn't the greatest).
I've talked to my roommate once on the phone and she seemed
nice. I e-mailed he like we agreed because talking was a
bit awkward for me. And she hasn't e-mailed me back. I am
considering calling her tomorrow or friday just to talk
some more. Maybe the initial conversation was just awkward?
I am also worried about classes I mean I been in college
classes for three years now but who's to say that community
college is easier or harder. My GPA has to stay above
3.25.. Thats a bit higher than mine is right now. It would
be higher if I didn't slack off. So, I guess I won't be
slacking off. I am also afraid because I am going in as a
junior and well, I am 19 so I am a year early. I know no
one will probably know until I go do clinical work at a
hospital... I really hope I chose the right school... I
really feel that I was kind of stupid by not applying at
one of the better colleges. I guess I just wanted to go
somewhere that was small and not as intimidating. I think
that in the end it won't matter what college I go to as
long as I have the skills I need and the proper work

My going away party is saturday... I am happy and at the
same time worried about it. I am not sure how I feel about
all these people giving me stuffs for school. There are
going to be 60 something people there... I didn't know I
knew that many people who would be willing to just be there
with/for me. But what really bugs me is that no one from my
dad side of the family that I invited is coming. My
grandparents aren't even coming because they supposedly
cannot make the ride here. I mean they made the freaking
ride to Cincinnati which is 30 min. longer than coming
here. Why would they miss there grandchild's going away
party? It really hurts my feelings. I know we haven't
always gotten along (even though I have no idea why) that
doesn't mean that I don't love them. Because I really do
love them. I am trying to go and visit them for a few day
but they want my father to come with. I really want it to
be just me and them. And it's going to be because I told my
dad that I am not inviting him to go with even though they
wanted me to. My aunt and her family aren't coming because
they have 4-h all week... I am not really sure why taking a
day out of it is going to kill them... I mean at least my
aunt could come seeing as how she did blow me off... I
called her to talk about school (her and her husband (my
uncle) are the only ones in my family that have been to
university)and she said she didn't want to talk about it
over the phone and since my grandparent's 50th wedding
anniversary party was coming up we were going to talk then
and that never happened... So I figure the ball is in her
court since you know I called her the first time and I
tried to talk to her at the party, but she hasn't even
facebooked me..... I guess it's her loss.. But I realize
who cares about me. I get that I don't see them very often
and that they don't really know me. But they could at least
try because it's not going to get any easier. I am going to
be busier with school and they seem to always be busy with
their lives. I guess they don't realize what they are doing
to me....