k.deliz

The Chronicles of Ray Mezuir
2010-07-13 17:30:38 (UTC)

Clarification.

I want to clarify something about my last entry.
I know you're thinking that I come off jealous, and
overbearing, but I'll tell you something: I was glad to do
this.
Sure, it hurt that my father wasn't the most loving person
in the world. It hurt that my younger sister was adored so
much more than I was. It hurt that they would tell me to die
if it came down to it.
But I wasn't jealous.
And I'm not blaming you, Hiroki.
In fact, I'm not blaming anyone. You shouldn't blame dead
people. Especially if they're your dead parents.
I didn't even blame myself. I just dealt with hand I was
given, did what I was meant to do. I didn't whine, I didn't
complain, and hell, I didn't even regret it.
I still don't regret it.
However, I do regret some things.
Who doesn't?
I'm not a fucking saint, if you haven't figured that out
yet. I did things that were wrong. Lots of things. I killed
people that I thought needed to be killed. Tried killing
some other people, but couldn't bring myself to do it.I have
a lot of regrets.
I regret not being able to save myself, to save Alli. To
save Hiroki and even Keiomae from the things they had to go
through after we had died.
I regret not telling those I loved how I felt, keeping Ray
Mezuir a mystery from people.
I regret failing at everything I was told it took to be a
Mezuir in the first place.
I regret dying...

I said before, that I would never fear my death. And I
didn't. I embraced it... and I was so stupid and naive about it.
Death is something you cannot reverse, and life is something
you cannot get back. I wasted my life trying to gain
vengeance, doing what I thought was expected of me, and
masking myself from others.
I don't think I truly lived, and I wish I could go back and
fix everything.


But I can't, and that's why I'm here.




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