missingtues2

Confusion
2010-07-12 06:24:04 (UTC)

Past events

dear diary,
first off, i am 14 years old. for starters, i am completely
adddicted to MMO's. I have friends in school to talk to but
never any friends outside of school to hang out with. this is
probably the reason why i'm so addicted to the computer. I
would also have to say that not even on facebook, myspace or
any other social netwoorking site connects me to the outside
world, only runescape where you just look at little avatars and
what they do on the screen. I think that the longest i've gone
without logging on runescape was probably a month and the only
weekend outside of the month was probably only when i would go
on vacation or had a huge assignment that would require me not
to sleep for a few days and even then i would still log on just
to "check if anything is going on." Also, i am what most
people would consider freakishly smart. a final bit about me is
that i am confused about who i am as a person and am incredibly
insecure and these feelings will be the focal point of this
diary. i guess it would be smart to start from the beginning.
these feelings probably began when i was really young. probably
around 4-5 or younger maybe. it was when i was showering with
my cousin and we sort of showed each other what we had through
the glass shower wall. Skipping ahead a few years. Now i'm
probably around 10-11, same as my cousin, possibly a year
younger because we are a few months apart. Anyway, i was
sleeping over my cousins house and my cousin has a younger
brother. There is, apparantly a "sleepover ritual" as he
called it. the ritual is that my younger cousin, probably
somewhere from 6-8 years old, would run around the room naked.
this was an incredible turn on for me even at a young age. I
told him that i liked the ritual and still never lived it down
to this day. fast forward again. Now i'm in 7th grade and now
12 years old. this was a pretty good year for me except when i
had to go to lunch. at my school, you were not allowed to
change lunch tables unless there were extreme measures and
there was something serious goin gon that needed to be taken
care of. i was always a little on the hot head side for my
whole life until i pretty much learned how to hold my anger and
most of my other emotions back. i only let instances of when i
am happy and laugh at the stupidest things. anyway, i guess i
should mention my hip-hop class that i had to survive through
in 6th grade. in this dance class i was put down every single
week without a doubt. this was mainly because i was strange and
not that good at dance because i was probably the stiffest
person in the world at that time. well, the smiling thing
really hurt me. this was because one of the kids in the class
decided to give me the name brian because he thought that i
looked like a brian. my teacher resolved this by giving the kid
the name beuford (be yoo ferd). this person also went to the
same school as me so every time i passed him in the hallway i
would laugh because of the name. this only lead to more
torture. anyway, i'm in 7th grade and only have to deal with
problems one period a day and that is lunch. as i said before i
can only switch in an extreme situation. so i was at this lunch
table withpeople i didn't really know. this was mainly because
i didn't and still do't have many friends. so i gothere and
things are fine for a while. now, in 7th grade i have never
thought about loking at porn of any kind before. this year was
a huge year in finding out thati might be gay. the kids at my
table pretty ,much forced me to watchpron or this tourture
would not stop. i di whatany sensible personwould do and went
on yotube. little did i know at this tiethat yotube had blocks
andporn was not welcome on the site. i went back the next
dayand made up an excuse. thenthe same daysoeoe at the table
was makig fun of a video calle d"guy pops boner when hit in the
head with a golf ball." it piqued my iterest soi decided to
watch it. and from there i decided to watch some of the related
videos and i liked what i found. i went back the next day,
still never looking at porn, again, did something smart and
lied. theycaught on and told me to draw a picture of a pussy. i
have nevr sen one at this point so i tried to draw one of of a
guess and my idea was prety close to what they drew but i
couldn't draw it. thentheystated this crap about how if yo dot
se a pussy before you turn 13 you wil be gay. well, now im
stating to gues that it isn't such a big load of crap as i
thoght. oh, wait,that just sonds stupid and illogical. fast
forward another year. now i'm in eighth grade and 13 years
old. i started out in a nice sized lunch table that was almost
full. then the numbers started to drift away. i was left with 2
other kids and was occasionaly left to eat alone. this is also
the year that i had my first crush and it was on a guy. this
guy was amazing. he was smart and prety fit for someone who is
often considered nerdy. i definately dont think that heis gay
though because he has been brainwashed by his church into
believeing that being gay is not okay. fast forward one more
time. now i'm in 9th grade. this time therearevery little
issues involving lunch time prblems. I wasluckyto find out
thattheboy ihad a crush on last year was in my first 3
classes. this year thogh he realy started to pretty much ignore
thatievnexsted but istil pushed to spend more time with him,
but i soon got over him. now, i haven't thought about the fact
that i might be gay until this year. this year i also faced a
huge confusion. the biggest confusion i faced was over breakes.
this was because i would have fantasies about guys then go back
to school and see a beautiful girl who has prety much every
class with me. also this year, i met two guys. one ofthem i
became frindly within school and the other was just in my gym
class. the thing is that i thougt that the first guy was cute
and funy and swet. the second guy, who i don't even think knows
my first name, was drop-dead gorgeous. like i said before, iam
a hot head andrealy never let anyone push me around to much,
includng seniors. in band, we had a tacher that didn't really
have any control. now, there is one senior who was supposedly
in too many fights to count and he has been to juvy twice. he
tried to pushme around but it didn't happen. i think that it
was that i actually stood up for myself and didn't let him or
any of the other kids get to me. now it is summer. my frend
that moved to tenesee finally moved back. I'm hoping for the
best sumer i have ever had and will finally be able to not go
on the computer for 7 hours or more a day. finally, end.




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