Lovely

lovely
2010-07-09 21:40:55 (UTC)

This morning when I woke up I..

This morning when I woke up I felt like a totally different person. Not
age wise but mentally. I felt this way because of last night and what I
was doing. Last night I was up until around 3 30 just on here writing
about troubles that I face every day and barely know how to deal with.
Normally I just put thoses feelings aside. I don't like to deal with
them. I realize that they are too painful for me to handle so I figure
that its only best if I don't share them with anyone. I know that it
isn't the healthies thing but because my family judges me for being
raped by my older male cousin but that's not very fair to me at all. I
only let it go. I realize that it all bothers me at night when I sleep
because I have bad dreams about different times when he touched me. I
realize that I can't talk to my therapist about this because she
threatens to tell on me. My family know but they don't do anything to
him. they asked him about it and when he denied it they said okay and
called me a liar for telling my teacher. The only reason I told her was
because she was and still is the ONLY person who I can talk to. The way
it all started was when a social worker came to my school to ask me
questions and she asked me if he or anyone else had ever touched me. I
told that lady no but afterward I felt bad about it. Mrs. Tisa noticed
that I wasn't looking very happy or energetic as usual so she asked me
what was wrong. Its pretty normal for her to read my journal bc I always
let her if she wants. So I handed her the journal and she read it. Later
on. She came to me she returned my journal and that was that. The next
day cps came to my school. The following day there was a meeting held at
my school and my teacher, my mother, my school counselor and a social
worker. I get really nervous when talking around my mom because she and
I don't get along at all. So I "shut down". So Mrs. Tisa asked me if I
wanted to write about it. Then she walked a tablet over to me and said "
you can do it". But at first I was too scared but every time I looked up
at her she asked if I wanted to personally tell her but I just kept
sAying no. But the point is when I'm around her I can be myself. I don't
have to act as if my life is perfect like I do around my friends. She
and I both know that my life is filled with nothing but anger and stress
and havoc. Growing up I never had someone to raise me. So she tried her
absolute best to provide that all for me and throughout the school year
she did a great job! She taught me very well and I apprecitate
everything she's done for me. She only wanted to help me work through my
problems.that's why I feel so confident around her.




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