this is it.
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2010-07-06 05:36:41 (UTC)

first entry

wow this is my first diary entry. im having it public so
that people can read my experiences and then decide if
they want to go through the same thing.

well i'll give you the low down of the past 12 months of
my life.
of course guys fucked me around and i was getting sick
of it. i had a stalker/hater/lover of my best friend and
he choose to filter through me. (note this and remember
this forever.. you should never feel pathetic sympathy
pity for someone. coz most likely, they deserve to be how
they are)
and yeah he fucked up my life real bad. lets call him G.
but G. moved away after he finished school and i was happy
and releived. but i swear it to this day that if i ever
see him again, i will not hold back and feel pity for him
anyway.. 9 months ago a guy named joe and i started a
fling and i was pretty mental by then. like mentally
unstable to be able to cope with another fuck over by a
guy. (yes yes if your wondering i have done a couple
sexual things, and some were not invited or had my
consent. so yeah, guys were pricks when no one was
and so we started our little affair and it was over in a
week and a half. down down down. he broke it up when i
said i wanted it to be offical. like we would hang out at
school and hook up infront of his and my friends, but as
soon as i said commitmenty in the tiniest form, just a
holiday fling, he lost it. so bye bye joe and hello to
hatred and confusing and weird scary thoughts.
i'd beeen having nightmares every time i closed my eyes
ever since the first encounter of forcive sexual act. and
i hadnt gotte over it. i was 14 when it first happened and
i was 16 by now. i was so young and i didnt know how to
cope so i just tried to forget it.
so suppressed emotions and restless nights didnt help
with the mix of a mental breakdown.
at first i would just cut my wrists and that would help
for a few minutes. but that wasnt a solution and it didnt
satasify me anymore. so i started acting werider and
weirder in public.
anyone who looked at my life with no knowlege of the
behind scenes would think that i would be the happiest
chick in the world. i was popular, fuck i could say and do
whatever i wanted and everyone loved it. no one would say
or do a single thing against me. im not ugly and far from
it. i was dubbed the best looking girl of my age and the
best body of nearly the entire 10th grade and under.
fucking hell i had it great at school. i didnt do any work
but i still passed. the teachers loved me and gave me
special trusts. at home there was always heaps of all
kinds of food in the cupboard and i was allowed out till
10pm and spent all my spare time with my best friend and
others friends.

so all round my life was picture perfect. but still i was
suffering from depression. i would work out till i passed
out coz it took my mind off something. i used to ride my
bike down to the beach and do some excercise there and wen
id finish id go for a swim. mind you, where i come from
the average of temperture is about 12 degrees. so its
fucking C.O.L.D. and it was always windy and always rainy.
so swimming was not really the wisest thing to do. but i
liked the feeling of my whole body being numb as i rode
home. i liked the fact that i could catch namonnia (noo
idea how to spell it) and possible die.
my hands and face and eyes and feet would sting and burn
but at the same time be numb. it was the next step up
instead of cutting my wrists. soon that wasnt enough
either. i stopped eating and was obsessed with weighing
under 50kg. when everyone else my age was weighed over
coz i wasnt eating and was working out so hard and
swimming in the freezing cold, it took its tole, and i
loved it. i had no energy and i was sick and horrible, i
loved it coz now i had a reason for feeling so down and
shit, when b4 hand i had none.
so there i was hating life and mentally murdering
myself, when one day i was working and a family with 6 men
who had came down for fishing walked into my shop. i
worked at a pizza shop.
well love at sight? yes and no lol i thought he was soo
hot! and so i served and i tried making convo, and i got-
nothing-. so i got the mop and started mopping in a place
where we could see each other. i tried the whole, glance
at him and be, 'oh! opps you caught me staring at you, how
embarrassing!'then the sneaking smile and look away. this
usually sent the guys crazy. but him, no. he just looked
away. no emotion.
i was shocked!! i was so used to getting with any guy i
wanted, i wasnt sure what was happening.
so i didnt give up, i made sure that i gave him and his
family their pizza's and i made small talk with the all
mighty snobb guy.
they left and i was like, aww, darn.
then 2 hours later the all mighty amazingly intriguing
snobb guy came back in. he bought a juice and as he turned
to walk away, he said in a tone so even and cool, "this is
for you"
he slid me a note and he walked out slow, deliberate,
and trying sooo hard to act cool!he didnt turn back and
look, lucky he didnt coz when i opened that note and saw
his number and his name, i was actaully jumping up and
down smiling and grinning from ear to ear.

his name was ian, and he saved my life.