simply me

my wee diary
2010-07-01 21:31:15 (UTC)

hell

i'm officially falling to bits , bruising behind the
knee, intermitant pain which is quite strange , i can't
work that out, but i can still walk, this is the first
time i've missed football for months because of an
injury, i'm not even sure when it happened, but i'll just
keep going. i'm not sure what my body is saying to me,
thats not true if i'm honest, it's screaming at me to stop
but i can't, i can't stop, everybody has limitations, i've
worked out that i don't.. if i break then i just re-adjust
and keep going, i can't say my body loves me, if it was a
marriage it would have divorced me twenty years ago..lol.
it's been an interesting few days, works just work now, i
do my best but it is getting me down a bit, people get me
down , attitude gets me down, i don't think people
understand how lucky they are to have work and have jobs,
i'll just have to keep my cool, lesson one, never raise
your voice, lesson two, never show weakness, lesson
three, never never raise your hands , lesson four, never
let anyone walk over the top of you. those rules were
totally different from the ones i learned as a kid..
lesson one , anybody tries to walk over the top of you,
you sort it, anyway you want, by any method, usually by
fighting, thats all i knew as a kid, there is only one
boss, lesson two, anyone who doesn't toe the line then
go back to lesson one. life was simple twenty years ago,
i still have the marks but my god it taught you respect
and understanding, the hardest aspect of my work is not
falling back into my old lessons, i keep telling myself
that it's ok to try and understand the unruley and down
right ignorant when i work but it's wearing thin, thank
god my brothers keep me right,my whole family seems to
cushion me, i have the ability to keep myself working
when people just tell you anything, when people just try
and be fly , now thats just not the way to be, i'll have
to show my teeth sometime soon, i don't like being walked
over.
i've had a few doings in my day, i know the other side
of life, i know what being winded is like, being kicked
when your down, i just know how it feels, how it alters
your state, it gives you fear, the problems starts when
you lose the fear, the fear keeps your hands down, keeps
your feet on the ground, i have to admit that i miss all
that, the world is too pc now. the physical side of life
as a kid didn't seem to bother me much, nothing hurts
like the first blow, not being able to breath, bent
double and gasping for air, i can't believe i actaully
miss all that, maybe i miss it because i could take it, i
know it strenghtened me , there is nothing out there that
fazes me now, i wonder how many people would stand and
trade blows toe to toe, i've done that, even gave my foe
the first shot, thank god i didn't have a glass jaw, but
one thing , i didn't hold a grudge, it was sorted and then
that was it, no waiting in a dark alley for the
retrubution, thats not how it worked, it just got sorted
and life moved on.
how times have changed, now people fight you inside
your head, not fair in my book but thats where the
battlefield is now, oo joy,, i've lost a few battles in
there but i will win the war, thats what life is now,
it's a war .. trying to survive outside work is a fight in
itself, so collegues trying to play me at work is just
making me chuckle , some day i'll just drop the vail and
show then where i've come from, that might be an
interesting day and p45 for me..
nothing surprises me now when it comes to people, i'm
so easy going but i always have my guard up, i always
look at someone straight in the eye, people show
themselves with their eyes, the eyes never lie, they are
the windows to the soul.
i look at myself in the mirror and just stare deep
inside myself, my eyes are soft and blue but the deeper i
look the darker they get and they just harden up, my
soul just looks straight back at me, i'm not sure what it
makes of me, i know my soul, it's a good soul but it has
taint to it thats fills me with uncertainty, does anyone
ever really know themselves, does anyone know the lines
they wont cross, where does that line exsist, i look at
myself and when my soul looks back i see no fear, i have
no lines there , there is nothing but fight . everybody
should have fear, thats what keeps you on the straight and
narrow, i've lost that fear, i'm not sure where i go
from here.
surely an interesting day, am i daft or just on the
edge ready to fall , i wonder how far i'll fall.
no wonder i don't look in the mirror .




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